First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Sidebar:  Not like any of you unconcerned bastards asked, but I have been busy with other writing projects lately.  The good news is I am going to put forth an honest effort to keep up with Angry Time.  So sharpen your swords and let's go.

Staying true to what Male Boss-isms has been, this story will focus a bit more on the behavioral tendencies of our simian, clad in sweat pants and finger smudges wrought from potato chip grease s-medium t-shirts.  To be sure, trying to understand exactly what this man's function and purpose is will, and is, taking the lion's share of my analytical adult lifetime.  The question is, even with such time and dedication given to this often times insipid yet noble endeavor, is the project ever finished or the illustration ever satisfactory let alone complete?  I draw parallels to the brave, yet crazy fucks, ie "The Grizzly Man" who literally sacrifice their lives in pursuit of knowledge.  Indeed, the same knowledge that any critically thinking person can deduce without getting their arm ripped off and thrown into a stream fit for fly fishing. That is: bears eat, defecate and sleep.  Furthermore, said bear, at any given time it fuckin feels like it will maim you horribly and leave you bleeding until it fancies you suitable for consumption.  Thing is, you're the smart ones cuz you get to read while I fend off bayonets in my own personal version of trench warfare.

Just like our dead friend The Grizzly Man, I too, may some day fall on my sword once this whole jig is up but it will be by choice rather than leaving my life in the calloused paws and mercy of my subject.  Without further ado, some of the following analyses may require explanation.  Said input may not always be provided due to me not knowing what the fuck Male Boss is thinking most of the time to begin with, especially in these scenarios.  I may work with the guy, but as sure as hell's flames could sear the the finest rib-eye roast in mere seconds, I don't get this clown so your own input and perspective is appreciated.

First -ism: A great example of not understanding a damn thing about Male Boss concerns what Mama Boucher would have called, "da social skills" - more specifically, responding to questions.  As a loyal Angry Timer, you already know that you can throw out all the cards once he and Female Boss get to talking but this is not so much a reaction to his lifelong nemesis but more a.. well, basically, a reaction.

Female Boss asks, "Where is The One?"

Sidebar: As much as I'd like to go ape tits on how infuriating this bi-hourly ritual is due to the simple fact that the fucking dog is literally 4 feet from her 98.3% of the time, I'll leave that rant for another day.

Instead we look to Male Boss for resolution and he responds as cryptic as one can possibly fathom, "Last time I saw the Honkey Tonk Man outside but could may be now."

Your guess is as good as mine, all I know is it sucks not only the air out of the room when he says inane shit like that but I can actually feel my brain being starved of that precious oxygen.

Second -ism: Being a slightly less evolved species of some sort of belly button picker, Male Boss often uses the phrase (hardly a question), "What is in it for me?" Now why this?  Well, this is a purely instinctual attack blurted out whenever he is half a hand deep in his sweats, likely commando for the sake of convenience, and watching a Mexican television show.  Have I mentioned before that he doesn't know Spanish? Knowing Male Boss as well as I do, it is easy for me to see that it is his way to deflect or absolve himself from responsibility.  You see, when his inner sanctum is breached he must defend, tantrums are his first line of defense. The territorial escalation is used simply because it works. Like a warthog stamping and kicking up dust, Male Boss is ultimately communicating with Female Boss in his own primitive fashion. Female Boss representing the middle to lower rungs of the Society's Finest totem pole, understands this.

Female Boss not only reads the warning signs but is given the choice to back the fuck off or proceed with limbs flailing and saliva spewing.  Now, Female Boss is presented with a tough decision; if she does not quit, Male Boss will continue to ascend towards verbal attacks the likes of which will reduce her to a quivering fetus. On the other hand, Female Boss knows how to set up a barrage of whiny requests that can only reduce Male Boss into bitching compliance.  Here's the latest exchange, Female Boss has already asked Male Boss for a favor multiple times, his standard deflection defense has already failed him:

Male Boss starts, "No, no, no!  Not fair!  I go to decide to stay here and if I do you rub it in the face! To the face until I go! Then, if decides to go you rub it to the face so I have to always go every time you ask me from here out.  Zis is bullshit! Makes me want to move to the gutter."

This is a classic example of bitching compliance.  Male Boss reverts to sadness and is bested by Female Boss this time.  Unfortunately, he cannae win them all.

Third -ism:  The last take is a pretty normal happening here for Male Boss. A quick background, he is a big fan of clicking pens.  Call it nervous habit or the song in his brain reaching a glorious crescendo, but this asshole can sit there for hours pumping his thumb just to hear that curious sound from the ol' ink tube. It is almost as if the pen becomes an extension of his hand. He will grab things to take notes or mark them up to give instructions and won't have to reach for a writing utensil because there is one already there.

This one time, Male Boss had a pen in his hand for so long that he had flipped it upside down and was using his pinky to click it. I remember this because he was sitting fairly close by, were I blindfolded I would have known this due to the heavy mouth breathing and that familiar smell of nicotine exhaust billowing up from his pores.  With Male Boss in such close proximity I found myself having to restrain the urges to turn his lower jaw into a hood ornament.. so instead, I just I printed up some crap for him to take a gander at which he snatched from me like a spider monkey looking for a heroin fix.  Male Boss starts going to work, his naturally vibrating hands that we sophisticates refer to as "the shakes", rustles the paper loudly yet, oddly enough, drowning out those murderous voices in my head.  Now, I do not exaggerate when I say he was marking up this list for a good minute before realizing something.  This distracted imbecile had been using the butt-end of the pen the entire time.  Upon discovering that, unlike when his fingers are covered in his own feces, the pen was leaving no marks.  Male Boss soars into a tirade that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush.  Sorry chief, you're gonna have to start from the top.. next time just use those stained fingers of yours instead.

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Scenario #1:  There was this one time The One had an upset stomach so Female Boss kept him confined in the kitchen where he could squirt brown all over the place without suffocating the office with the putrid smell.  Female Boss was being quite the diligent worker that day, being that she stayed at her desk for a few hours without getting up.  This is extremely odd behavior for her, as her primitive brain requires reboot every few minutes or it will start to ooze from her ear canal.  The reason for her impromptu work ethic is quickly revealed when Male Boss gets up from the leather couch to refill his beverage.

"Male Boss, you have to clean up after The One this time.. I can't take it anymore."

"No way.  You know how to clean it."

After a bit of back and forth, Male Boss returns to the sitting room and says nothing.

Clearly perturbed, Female Boss heads to the kitchen to re-familiarize herself with the fecal.

"What!?  What the hell is this!?" she screams from kitchen.

Male Boss gives out a grunt.

"What's with all the shit in here!?" she screams again looking for any response.

Male Boss' answer is simple and suggestive, "I tried to clean like you said but only smears on the ground.  You clean it next."

At this point you can just go ahead and imagine the fabulous smears and finger paint designs Male Boss likely made with The One's waste.  Good times.

Scenario #2:  There was this one time Male Boss' car was in the shop so he had to roll around in a rental for the week.  This was probably the 2nd or 3rd day, and Male Boss had left the office maybe an hour or so prior to Female Boss discovering her inner morality police badge, "Do you think Male Boss is smoking in the rental car?  You don't think he would, do you?"

Were she to be bleeding out on the granite tiles I would have had the same response; nothing.

After another minute of idiotspeak, Female Boss cracks, "I gotta call him."

As accusatory as possible, Female Boss asks, "What are you doing???"

Male Boss probably starts a dissertation on the varieties of ear wax caked beneath his fingernails when Female Boss interrupts, "There's no way you are smoking in that car, is there?"

Male Boss going on about the different colors and textures found deep within the canal, Female Boss decides a lecture is due, "You know you're not the only one that will ever drive that car?  Have you ever thought of that?  How dare you!  How dare you smoke in a rental car!"

If she gets this pissed at someone smoking in a rental car imagine what she would say to me if she was ever to stumble upon these here annals of her stupidity.

Scenario #3:  There was this one time some Client from back in the 90's that Male Boss used to be tight with came out of the wood work.  He was excited to add another clown to the rolodex and starts boasting to Female Boss about the grand accomplishment.. of Client finding our number.. and Client calling him.. and him doing nothing.  Female Boss has no clue who Client is, zero name recognition of Client, not even any recollection of the name of the company.

Male Boss is clearly bothered by her inability to recall what is apparently not only a long time personal friend of theirs, but also a client that they worked with for the better part of a decade.  Male Boss gives her story after story, instance after instance and Female Boss still has her token constipated look plastered on her face.  All she can tell him is that she has no clue what he's talking about.  This is when Male Boss seeks out his go-to guy.. Mr. Northe.. that'd be me.

"Northe, find the website."

After a few seconds of computer hacking I find the website and let him know it's on the screen.

"Excellent.  Yup, that's them.  Do me a favor, print it and then hand it to Female Boss so she can wipe her ass with it."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

My everyday scab picking and keyboard breaking grind is brought to a halt by Female Boss arriving at the office before 10:30 and even before Male Boss for once.  With little more energy than a sleepy koala, Female Boss slumps in to the computer area with a glum look on her mug.  Being the concerned citizen I can only hope that she has had a grief stricken weekend with nothing but despair to report.  Instead, she starts off the dialogue with, "I bought a GPS over the weekend."

"Is that a fact?" I ask her.

"Yes!  Have you ever owned one of these GPS thingies?" she asks me.

I answer by telling her that I do own a GPS but that I was not savvy enough in the realms of hi-tech gadgetry to qualify for the Thingie model of said GPS.

"They're pretty shitty," she says under her breath.

I ask her why she thinks that they are shitty.

Female Boss goes on to tell me, "Well, the guy at Radio Shack.."

Sidebar:  A quick commentary on Radio Shack.  I don't know about other parts of the country, but Radio Shacks out here are the equivalent of going to 7-11 for a sushi dinner.  Most fall under the umbrella of being a total shit sty and are the size of a child's bedroom packed from floor to ceiling with refurbished out-dated technology from decades passed.  I probably haven't stepped in to one in a good 15 years and never would with all the other options I have.

Continuing, "..and the guy showed me how everything works.  I told him how great this would be as we do a lot of driving around and so he suggested the car charger.  So he sells me the car charger and from there everything goes down hill."

Having no clue that a car charger spells doom and gloom for the common reject I ask her to expound.

"Well, the first night the thing drained my battery!"

"Ok hold on, it drained your car battery?" I ask.

"Yes!" she burps.

Realizing that this brilliant specimen most likely left the GPS unit a) on and b) plugged into her power jack, I absolutely can't wait to see what else happens.

The end of the day does not disappoint.  Female Boss and Male Boss both leave the office about 20 minutes before closing time as I am left to lock up and finish a few more things before going home.  Those 20 minutes drop off the clock and when I go outside I see Male Boss' car making sweet electrical cable love to Female Boss' car.  My first edumacated guess, drained battery due to GPS?  Learning from past actions or occurences is not within her mental capacities.. I know, this comes as quite the shock to me too given her stellar pedigree.

Oh, worry not friends, it doesn't end there.  About two weeks later, Female Boss gets a lead from a new client.  Client wants to meet with her at their office.  Female Boss is all kinds of flustered as neither Male Boss or The Professional are around to pick up her slack (read as: go instead).  She's going on and on about how far away their office is and how she was given directions over the phone by Client but "wasn't really paying attention" because "[she] thought that they wouldn't really want her to show up." (Whatever that even means.)

In the midst of flexing her judgment amidst her breakdown she starts blabbering like an addict on a 12-hour stay from the black tar heroin, "..and its not like I could just use my GPS or I'd be stranded in the middle of no where!"

If I shook my head any more I am pretty sure my noggin would spin free of my spine like a twist off bottle cap.

Female Boss slams her hands down on her desk in frustration, "What the hell am I gonna do?  I buy the stupid thing to give me an edge and it has been nothing but problems!  This is about as far from space age technology as you can get!  What good is it if you can't even use it in your car!?"

I offer no response.  I can't even humor her.  She never goes to meet up with Client.  Instead, she opts to wallow in her own stupidity.  Fine by me, just reinforces the fact that her idiocy knows no bounds.

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Are you kidding me?  I have only used this as a title once!?  This is a damn hell shame.. time to make up for lost stories then.  Oh and before you guys start questioning my spelling or grammar, remember one thing, this is Male Boss talking.. I wouldn't dare mistype anything that he says.

First -ism:  Male Boss is trying to give Female Boss a little taste of the back home life.  They are in a discussion where Female Boss is being pessimistic and Male Boss chimes in with some old school wisdom.

"You know how zey says back at home?  Right?  You have to look at it zis way, I tell you something positive okay?  So, who has the bigger plate?"

Female Boss has about the dumbest look I have ever seen on her face.. actually fitting for once.

Male Boss doesn't wait any longer for her to come up with an answer so he answers for her, "The man on the moon."

Female Boss can't even get out the word what correctly and kinda just wa wa's it whilst gasping and spitting.

"Maybe doesn't translate right but is very positive message for you to know."

Second -ism:  Male Boss and I are both racked with shit to do, the only difference about this moment in time is that he is actually doing his job.  While wiping the proverbial sweat from his tired brow, Male Boss decides that now would be a good time to make a relevant movie analogy to me.

"You see Northe, it's like The Good,  The Bads and That Ugly."

I chuckle a bit and Male Boss twists the reaction into a he gets me moment.

"Am I right?  It's the same way.  There are two types of mans, the one with the shuffle and the one with the gun.  We are the fucked one zis time, so keep fucking digging, Northe.. keep fucking digging."

I about lost it.

Third -ism:  Male Boss likes to dodge and deflect, as it were, whenever he is met with an accusatory approach.  The one thing about him is that he is never at fault.. in his own head, of course.  Here's a good example of how he acts when he is taken to task by Female Boss.. and I use the term loosely.

"You're the one who did it!  It wasn't me!" she cries.

"I do not," answers Male Boss.

"You know what?  You're a sloppy and careless ass."

"I do not," he tells her.

"Look asshole," Female Boss says approaching him with the evidence in his own hand writing.

"No, no, no.  Not me.  I do not."

"I swear to God, if you say I do not one more time I'm gonna go throw up in your car."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

No excuses for my absence, real life just gets hectic sometimes.  I wade back into the thickest part of the swamp and go in neck deep to demonstrate how tortuously suffocating life has been at the office as of late.  Female Boss continues to prove she is the festering carcass of a bullfrog in these parts giving off that unmistakable stink in the nose whenever you're close enough to spear her in the pancreas.  Even wading through this bog on a daily basis am I never met with a dull, expected feat of idiocy.  This time, Female Boss decides to show off her mathematical skills.

Scenario #1:  Female Boss is on the line with one of the Plastics and no doubt there is gonna be some riveting conversation at hand.  Beginning to listen about half way through the decent to the 3rd ring of Hell, I start jotting down what was said.

"Isn't pi the circumference of a circle?" asks Female Boss.

Dissatisfied with the answer on the other end of the phone she goes to the only person that might, on some off chance, be smarter than her, "Northe, isn't that right?  Pi is the circumference."

I hate being the bearer of bad news on things that are too easy.  I like to go on a round about journey of slice 'n' dice rather than the kill shot.  So rather than slaying the dragon, I give off the primeval hrmm that even she should be able to understand and add in a gentle, "I don't think so."

Consider that a slash to the cheek.

"No, I'm pretty sure that a circle is 3.145."

Once the blood breaches the flesh of her cheek and starts to wander onto the landscape of botox injected face, I begin to wheel around for the next strike, "What?  That doesn't sound right."

"Plastic doesn't know, I am almost positive that how round a circle is, is pi."

"No, a circle is 360 degrees around," I say going after the insides of her elbows as I watch her arms go limp.

"A circle?" she sputters.

"Yes, a circle is 360 degrees around, pi has to do with a circle but not it's circumference.  Circles can be different sizes, the circumference is the distance around it, it can't be just one static number for every circle," I can feel her hamstring snap and contract as it reverberates off my blade.

"Ohhh, you're right," she vomits out as she slinks down to one knee.

I kick her in the back and finish the job but Female Boss' stupidity continues to grow stronger.

"You know, as a society, we never think about that," she says.

At this point I check out mentally and just go to secretary mode.

Now speaking to the Plastic on the phone, "You know we should invent something to make people more aware.  We could use "LOL" to make it more prominent."

Seppuku is looking more and more like the option for me.

"Well yeah, because that's what the kids relate to with the O being a circle.  So we can use that in, like, an awareness campaign or something.  Just call it LOL, it's pretty simple and easy."

Then, as quickly as the dumb came, it vanished.  There was no more talk of the glorious town hall meeting that could have been or the interview with Oprah.  Instead, she hung up the phone a few seconds later and went on with her in-mail forwarding and nail filing as if she never had the idea.  Too bad, it coulda been glorious.

Scenario #2:   This one isn't near as enthralling but scores just as high marks on ye olde retarded meter.

Speaking out loud to me, Female Boss starts telling me how she hates randomized/assigned passwords that websites give you when you sign up for them.  I let her know that you can usually change them in your account settings.  I hit a nerve with this one.

"If you can't remember what the password is or don't know what is what in the password then you can't even log in!"

I tell her I have no idea what she is talking about.

"Well, like if you get your assigned password sent to you how do you know what is what."

I still have no idea what she is trying so hard to put into words so I ask her to be more specific.

"Ok, like this for example," she gestures me over to her screen.

"Okay," I say.

"Well?  Is that zero the number zero or the letter?"

Uh huh, you guys were taught the wrong alphabet.. the idiot who wrote the ABC song forgot to add in the letter ZERO!  What an asshole.