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Who among the Angry Time faction has heard of a Fortune Party?  If you have, it better have been passed to you via 3rd hand information. If not, and you were an unsuspecting mark, I dare say you fall into a somewhat forgivable category of peons where a torturous interrogation could possibly absolve you of such a sin. Though you'd have a whale's bladder worth of explaining to do as to why you would be caught in such a trance without asking relevant questions or showing any spine. The last possibility, if you are someone who has attended these carnival acts without being under the influence of some ungodly cocktail of medication, or worse even still, if you are the Lord Fontleroy of Fortune Parties then I'll go ahead and shuttle you myself to the hallway that houses my vast array of character assassination awards hung like trophy bucks along the wall. You, the willing participant, are the kind of asshole that I loathe. It is people like you who are active, yet make no mistake, failing and disgraceful participants in those pyramid scheme companies.. oh, sorry.. I meant to say, "Multi-Level Marketing Agencies" are you not? Damn right you are. You're one of those idiots for sure.. or mayhaps I go too far. Maybe you're so stinkin' steadfast that you are merely on the fringe of being that colossal failure I describe and are only currently getting sucked in to that hype vacuum. Yeah, you're a real oak.. I can see you now, clutching your pearls with wide eyes and the false hope that this new found "Plan B" is the answer to your broken and hopeless life.  Wise up, toadstool, your scam company that rewards people for literally buying in to their bullshit rather than paying out for moving product is asinine. Give the situation some thought, you simpleton! By Greyskull, those god forsaken companies and your Fortune Parties are the bane of my existence and participating in either only guarantees that you will one day bathe in the white hot glow of my wrath.

Back to the matter at hand, the Fortune Party. Is this shit real? Are people this bored and/or desperate to feel some sort of ripple through their worthless souls?  Seriously, if you want to move the needle and you've stooped this low you are officially on the same level as Female Boss, the Plastics and the Romans. I don't think I need to go into how disgraceful this position in life's grand scheme of things is, but you'd probably rank between a mite that begs to suckle just a bit of moisture from a dung beetle's prized possession and a malformed bacteria that eats vajeen fungus. For those that are still scratching their oily scalps, a Fortune Party is a gathering of like-minded jackholes that bring a lying fake, aka a psychic, to their inner circle and gives said piece of shit the opportunity to tell them that their futures will be everything they ever wanted and more.

Now, Female Boss finds herself caught within the vortex of suckers that are invited to the party and breaks off a little bit of what's banging around in that dusty kernel of stone between her ears to yours truly, "At first I was so excited about this Fortune Party! Now I am not sure I want to go because the Fortune Teller is charging for her services!"

Oh, did I forget to mention that by being invited I really meant to say, pay to attend a party thrown by a fellow Plastic? Is the previous condemnation of this lunacy I just went on making sense now? How does someone even grapple with the concept of shelling out honest dough to be tickled to sleep by the made-up ramblings of a professional con artist.. at a social event!? Even if they are right, say even half right, you're willing to pay the vagabond to tell you what is going to happen no matter what since its your destiny either fuckin way? Really? How much money do you have and how come you aren't sharing it with me? Riddle me this, you sad sack, what the fuck happened to friendly conversation amongst peers? What about getting the local team of chumlies together for some old-fashioned rough housing and a game of jacks? Maybe some toast points with peanut butter and honey? Anyone? Is society that vapid that everything has become a gimmick? Can I write an entire paragraph based solely on asking questions!?

The kicker is that this obvious and undeniable line of thinking opposing the dastardly idea never even crossed her mind. In fact, quite the contrary. A decent protest to the blatant money grab wasn't even in the vicinity of what topped Female Boss' Stay the Fuck Away From the Fortune Party List. Instead, we find her at odds with this:

"I don't know, Northe. I really want to go. Like, really bad."

"So what's the problem then?" I beg, looking for an iota of intelligence.

"I don't want my fortune told! It scares the hell out of me!"

Well, of course it does!! Voodoo and garlic necklaces for this one. This is hardly a shock coming from the reanimated mound of silly putty with some semblance of a soul staring at me from behind her computer monitor. I know this may come as a shock to you all, but Female Boss' desperate attempt to connect with me and give her any feedback at all has only succeeded in angering me. Hoping that this would be the end of it, I keep my fighting knives sheathed and sit still. Before long, my faith in poor Female Boss is quickly stamped out by my daily visitor, Disappointment, who predictably nudges this clown on further..

"Maybe I'll just go, I could use a good thrill."

Easy there, maniac! Wouldn't want to go from Don Knotts to Evil Knievel so quickly!! Oh, what's the point? Without driving the bus off into the tirade canyon for the 20th time this post, I'll just say that Female Boss ended up attending the shindig. Mmhmm.. she and 18 other people, not including the Plastic host couple, each paid $120 at the door to be wow'd by a trio of ladies "dressed like belly dancers".. one hundred and twenty dollars and eighteen people!!  Are you shitting me!?  Sounds to me like a great rake for a one night sham acted out by a few grifters. What'd she find out? Why hail friends, come gather round while I regurgitate the tale weaved by the fortune teller. Get this, year's end Female Boss was going to have her *ahem* art *burp* not only displayed, but then bought and actually written about in a local art magazine by the end of the year. Local art magazine!?  What does that even mean!? I couldn't believe the charlatan, more cunning than I imagined, was brazen enough to deal out the coup de grâce without even blinking. Then again, how I can blame her? Serving up such a tasty dish to vulnerable, weak-minded prey would be as easy to me as pitchforking ol' Dunkirt right in the belly.

Ah yes, by the way, before I end this it may interest you to know that this all took place at the end of September. Just enough time for that whole window of opportunity, to track someone down and declare vendetta on them for dishonoring you with lies and deceit, to close once comeuppence has revealed its cruel self. What's that? Cmon.. do I really need to dignify the "soothsaying" with the frown inducing reality that never was? Ok, good, I thought not. Pigeons with money never cease to amaze me.. what recession, right?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Sidebar:  Not like any of you unconcerned bastards asked, but I have been busy with other writing projects lately.  The good news is I am going to put forth an honest effort to keep up with Angry Time.  So sharpen your swords and let's go.

Staying true to what Male Boss-isms has been, this story will focus a bit more on the behavioral tendencies of our simian, clad in sweat pants and finger smudges wrought from potato chip grease s-medium t-shirts.  To be sure, trying to understand exactly what this man's function and purpose is will, and is, taking the lion's share of my analytical adult lifetime.  The question is, even with such time and dedication given to this often times insipid yet noble endeavor, is the project ever finished or the illustration ever satisfactory let alone complete?  I draw parallels to the brave, yet crazy fucks, ie "The Grizzly Man" who literally sacrifice their lives in pursuit of knowledge.  Indeed, the same knowledge that any critically thinking person can deduce without getting their arm ripped off and thrown into a stream fit for fly fishing. That is: bears eat, defecate and sleep.  Furthermore, said bear, at any given time it fuckin feels like it will maim you horribly and leave you bleeding until it fancies you suitable for consumption.  Thing is, you're the smart ones cuz you get to read while I fend off bayonets in my own personal version of trench warfare.

Just like our dead friend The Grizzly Man, I too, may some day fall on my sword once this whole jig is up but it will be by choice rather than leaving my life in the calloused paws and mercy of my subject.  Without further ado, some of the following analyses may require explanation.  Said input may not always be provided due to me not knowing what the fuck Male Boss is thinking most of the time to begin with, especially in these scenarios.  I may work with the guy, but as sure as hell's flames could sear the the finest rib-eye roast in mere seconds, I don't get this clown so your own input and perspective is appreciated.

First -ism: A great example of not understanding a damn thing about Male Boss concerns what Mama Boucher would have called, "da social skills" - more specifically, responding to questions.  As a loyal Angry Timer, you already know that you can throw out all the cards once he and Female Boss get to talking but this is not so much a reaction to his lifelong nemesis but more a.. well, basically, a reaction.

Female Boss asks, "Where is The One?"

Sidebar: As much as I'd like to go ape tits on how infuriating this bi-hourly ritual is due to the simple fact that the fucking dog is literally 4 feet from her 98.3% of the time, I'll leave that rant for another day.

Instead we look to Male Boss for resolution and he responds as cryptic as one can possibly fathom, "Last time I saw the Honkey Tonk Man outside but could may be now."

Your guess is as good as mine, all I know is it sucks not only the air out of the room when he says inane shit like that but I can actually feel my brain being starved of that precious oxygen.

Second -ism: Being a slightly less evolved species of some sort of belly button picker, Male Boss often uses the phrase (hardly a question), "What is in it for me?" Now why this?  Well, this is a purely instinctual attack blurted out whenever he is half a hand deep in his sweats, likely commando for the sake of convenience, and watching a Mexican television show.  Have I mentioned before that he doesn't know Spanish? Knowing Male Boss as well as I do, it is easy for me to see that it is his way to deflect or absolve himself from responsibility.  You see, when his inner sanctum is breached he must defend, tantrums are his first line of defense. The territorial escalation is used simply because it works. Like a warthog stamping and kicking up dust, Male Boss is ultimately communicating with Female Boss in his own primitive fashion. Female Boss representing the middle to lower rungs of the Society's Finest totem pole, understands this.

Female Boss not only reads the warning signs but is given the choice to back the fuck off or proceed with limbs flailing and saliva spewing.  Now, Female Boss is presented with a tough decision; if she does not quit, Male Boss will continue to ascend towards verbal attacks the likes of which will reduce her to a quivering fetus. On the other hand, Female Boss knows how to set up a barrage of whiny requests that can only reduce Male Boss into bitching compliance.  Here's the latest exchange, Female Boss has already asked Male Boss for a favor multiple times, his standard deflection defense has already failed him:

Male Boss starts, "No, no, no!  Not fair!  I go to decide to stay here and if I do you rub it in the face! To the face until I go! Then, if decides to go you rub it to the face so I have to always go every time you ask me from here out.  Zis is bullshit! Makes me want to move to the gutter."

This is a classic example of bitching compliance.  Male Boss reverts to sadness and is bested by Female Boss this time.  Unfortunately, he cannae win them all.

Third -ism:  The last take is a pretty normal happening here for Male Boss. A quick background, he is a big fan of clicking pens.  Call it nervous habit or the song in his brain reaching a glorious crescendo, but this asshole can sit there for hours pumping his thumb just to hear that curious sound from the ol' ink tube. It is almost as if the pen becomes an extension of his hand. He will grab things to take notes or mark them up to give instructions and won't have to reach for a writing utensil because there is one already there.

This one time, Male Boss had a pen in his hand for so long that he had flipped it upside down and was using his pinky to click it. I remember this because he was sitting fairly close by, were I blindfolded I would have known this due to the heavy mouth breathing and that familiar smell of nicotine exhaust billowing up from his pores.  With Male Boss in such close proximity I found myself having to restrain the urges to turn his lower jaw into a hood ornament.. so instead, I just I printed up some crap for him to take a gander at which he snatched from me like a spider monkey looking for a heroin fix.  Male Boss starts going to work, his naturally vibrating hands that we sophisticates refer to as "the shakes", rustles the paper loudly yet, oddly enough, drowning out those murderous voices in my head.  Now, I do not exaggerate when I say he was marking up this list for a good minute before realizing something.  This distracted imbecile had been using the butt-end of the pen the entire time.  Upon discovering that, unlike when his fingers are covered in his own feces, the pen was leaving no marks.  Male Boss soars into a tirade that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush.  Sorry chief, you're gonna have to start from the top.. next time just use those stained fingers of yours instead.

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Scenario #1:  There was this one time The One had an upset stomach so Female Boss kept him confined in the kitchen where he could squirt brown all over the place without suffocating the office with the putrid smell.  Female Boss was being quite the diligent worker that day, being that she stayed at her desk for a few hours without getting up.  This is extremely odd behavior for her, as her primitive brain requires reboot every few minutes or it will start to ooze from her ear canal.  The reason for her impromptu work ethic is quickly revealed when Male Boss gets up from the leather couch to refill his beverage.

"Male Boss, you have to clean up after The One this time.. I can't take it anymore."

"No way.  You know how to clean it."

After a bit of back and forth, Male Boss returns to the sitting room and says nothing.

Clearly perturbed, Female Boss heads to the kitchen to re-familiarize herself with the fecal.

"What!?  What the hell is this!?" she screams from kitchen.

Male Boss gives out a grunt.

"What's with all the shit in here!?" she screams again looking for any response.

Male Boss' answer is simple and suggestive, "I tried to clean like you said but only smears on the ground.  You clean it next."

At this point you can just go ahead and imagine the fabulous smears and finger paint designs Male Boss likely made with The One's waste.  Good times.

Scenario #2:  There was this one time Male Boss' car was in the shop so he had to roll around in a rental for the week.  This was probably the 2nd or 3rd day, and Male Boss had left the office maybe an hour or so prior to Female Boss discovering her inner morality police badge, "Do you think Male Boss is smoking in the rental car?  You don't think he would, do you?"

Were she to be bleeding out on the granite tiles I would have had the same response; nothing.

After another minute of idiotspeak, Female Boss cracks, "I gotta call him."

As accusatory as possible, Female Boss asks, "What are you doing???"

Male Boss probably starts a dissertation on the varieties of ear wax caked beneath his fingernails when Female Boss interrupts, "There's no way you are smoking in that car, is there?"

Male Boss going on about the different colors and textures found deep within the canal, Female Boss decides a lecture is due, "You know you're not the only one that will ever drive that car?  Have you ever thought of that?  How dare you!  How dare you smoke in a rental car!"

If she gets this pissed at someone smoking in a rental car imagine what she would say to me if she was ever to stumble upon these here annals of her stupidity.

Scenario #3:  There was this one time some Client from back in the 90's that Male Boss used to be tight with came out of the wood work.  He was excited to add another clown to the rolodex and starts boasting to Female Boss about the grand accomplishment.. of Client finding our number.. and Client calling him.. and him doing nothing.  Female Boss has no clue who Client is, zero name recognition of Client, not even any recollection of the name of the company.

Male Boss is clearly bothered by her inability to recall what is apparently not only a long time personal friend of theirs, but also a client that they worked with for the better part of a decade.  Male Boss gives her story after story, instance after instance and Female Boss still has her token constipated look plastered on her face.  All she can tell him is that she has no clue what he's talking about.  This is when Male Boss seeks out his go-to guy.. Mr. Northe.. that'd be me.

"Northe, find the website."

After a few seconds of computer hacking I find the website and let him know it's on the screen.

"Excellent.  Yup, that's them.  Do me a favor, print it and then hand it to Female Boss so she can wipe her ass with it."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

My everyday scab picking and keyboard breaking grind is brought to a halt by Female Boss arriving at the office before 10:30 and even before Male Boss for once.  With little more energy than a sleepy koala, Female Boss slumps in to the computer area with a glum look on her mug.  Being the concerned citizen I can only hope that she has had a grief stricken weekend with nothing but despair to report.  Instead, she starts off the dialogue with, "I bought a GPS over the weekend."

"Is that a fact?" I ask her.

"Yes!  Have you ever owned one of these GPS thingies?" she asks me.

I answer by telling her that I do own a GPS but that I was not savvy enough in the realms of hi-tech gadgetry to qualify for the Thingie model of said GPS.

"They're pretty shitty," she says under her breath.

I ask her why she thinks that they are shitty.

Female Boss goes on to tell me, "Well, the guy at Radio Shack.."

Sidebar:  A quick commentary on Radio Shack.  I don't know about other parts of the country, but Radio Shacks out here are the equivalent of going to 7-11 for a sushi dinner.  Most fall under the umbrella of being a total shit sty and are the size of a child's bedroom packed from floor to ceiling with refurbished out-dated technology from decades passed.  I probably haven't stepped in to one in a good 15 years and never would with all the other options I have.

Continuing, "..and the guy showed me how everything works.  I told him how great this would be as we do a lot of driving around and so he suggested the car charger.  So he sells me the car charger and from there everything goes down hill."

Having no clue that a car charger spells doom and gloom for the common reject I ask her to expound.

"Well, the first night the thing drained my battery!"

"Ok hold on, it drained your car battery?" I ask.

"Yes!" she burps.

Realizing that this brilliant specimen most likely left the GPS unit a) on and b) plugged into her power jack, I absolutely can't wait to see what else happens.

The end of the day does not disappoint.  Female Boss and Male Boss both leave the office about 20 minutes before closing time as I am left to lock up and finish a few more things before going home.  Those 20 minutes drop off the clock and when I go outside I see Male Boss' car making sweet electrical cable love to Female Boss' car.  My first edumacated guess, drained battery due to GPS?  Learning from past actions or occurences is not within her mental capacities.. I know, this comes as quite the shock to me too given her stellar pedigree.

Oh, worry not friends, it doesn't end there.  About two weeks later, Female Boss gets a lead from a new client.  Client wants to meet with her at their office.  Female Boss is all kinds of flustered as neither Male Boss or The Professional are around to pick up her slack (read as: go instead).  She's going on and on about how far away their office is and how she was given directions over the phone by Client but "wasn't really paying attention" because "[she] thought that they wouldn't really want her to show up." (Whatever that even means.)

In the midst of flexing her judgment amidst her breakdown she starts blabbering like an addict on a 12-hour stay from the black tar heroin, "..and its not like I could just use my GPS or I'd be stranded in the middle of no where!"

If I shook my head any more I am pretty sure my noggin would spin free of my spine like a twist off bottle cap.

Female Boss slams her hands down on her desk in frustration, "What the hell am I gonna do?  I buy the stupid thing to give me an edge and it has been nothing but problems!  This is about as far from space age technology as you can get!  What good is it if you can't even use it in your car!?"

I offer no response.  I can't even humor her.  She never goes to meet up with Client.  Instead, she opts to wallow in her own stupidity.  Fine by me, just reinforces the fact that her idiocy knows no bounds.

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Are you kidding me?  I have only used this as a title once!?  This is a damn hell shame.. time to make up for lost stories then.  Oh and before you guys start questioning my spelling or grammar, remember one thing, this is Male Boss talking.. I wouldn't dare mistype anything that he says.

First -ism:  Male Boss is trying to give Female Boss a little taste of the back home life.  They are in a discussion where Female Boss is being pessimistic and Male Boss chimes in with some old school wisdom.

"You know how zey says back at home?  Right?  You have to look at it zis way, I tell you something positive okay?  So, who has the bigger plate?"

Female Boss has about the dumbest look I have ever seen on her face.. actually fitting for once.

Male Boss doesn't wait any longer for her to come up with an answer so he answers for her, "The man on the moon."

Female Boss can't even get out the word what correctly and kinda just wa wa's it whilst gasping and spitting.

"Maybe doesn't translate right but is very positive message for you to know."

Second -ism:  Male Boss and I are both racked with shit to do, the only difference about this moment in time is that he is actually doing his job.  While wiping the proverbial sweat from his tired brow, Male Boss decides that now would be a good time to make a relevant movie analogy to me.

"You see Northe, it's like The Good,  The Bads and That Ugly."

I chuckle a bit and Male Boss twists the reaction into a he gets me moment.

"Am I right?  It's the same way.  There are two types of mans, the one with the shuffle and the one with the gun.  We are the fucked one zis time, so keep fucking digging, Northe.. keep fucking digging."

I about lost it.

Third -ism:  Male Boss likes to dodge and deflect, as it were, whenever he is met with an accusatory approach.  The one thing about him is that he is never at fault.. in his own head, of course.  Here's a good example of how he acts when he is taken to task by Female Boss.. and I use the term loosely.

"You're the one who did it!  It wasn't me!" she cries.

"I do not," answers Male Boss.

"You know what?  You're a sloppy and careless ass."

"I do not," he tells her.

"Look asshole," Female Boss says approaching him with the evidence in his own hand writing.

"No, no, no.  Not me.  I do not."

"I swear to God, if you say I do not one more time I'm gonna go throw up in your car."