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First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

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Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Friday, 18 November 2005 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sometimes I get dizzy thinking how amazing it is that this series is already on #5 then I look at the heap of stories I have sitting in front of me on my legal ledger and know that I have enuff for another 5 more.  What can I say, she's an interesting lady this Female Boss and she consistently brings inconsistent levels of intelligence to the table.  Well, here's to another set of Shorts.  These are pertaining to food oddly enuff.

Scenario #1: Chow time for the dogs.  Female Boss heads for the kitchen while she simultaneously puts some ham on the frier to make one of her patented fried ham sandwiches, yargh.  None for me today thank you very much.  I happen to have the other half of my chicken parmesan sandwich sittin in front of me and there's very little that sounds better to me than this right here.

Before too long I hear the clank of the dog food being poured into the stainless steel dog trough built for three.  I dive into my sandwich and cut the strings of cheese coming off of the chicken with my teeth.  Female Boss takes a bite into her sandwich and gives off her typical moan and comment at how delectable it is.  Everyone is on cloud 9.. well, not so much.

With a concerned edge to her voice, Female Boss asks, "Why aren't you eating, honey?"

A few seconds pass.

Female Boss laughing now, "Oh crap, instead of buying dog food this morning I bought guinea pig food."

Northe = speechless.

Scenario #2: Female Boss is rummaging thru the fridge in search of something tasty.  Chances are there isn't much as the shopping has been at a stand still for restocking the investment property.  I am wise tho, I know this and brought myself a little Taco Bell to keep the belly full.

Female Boss starts thinking out loud from the kitchen, "Oh, here we go, smoked salmon."

A sound somewhat like, "Eaurgh," comes from the kitchen.

"You ok?" I ask.

"The expiration date on this is 8/30/04.  I can't believe how quickly this expires."

8/30/04.. I'm thinking to myself.. if it was "quickly" that means you bought it around summertime last year, if its slow to expire that means you bought it in '03 or earlier.  My stomach turns at the thought of it then glee takes my heart as I hear more thoughts spoken out loud.

"You know, I kept it around for when guests came."

It went on, "Wow, I've been snacking on this all year... well, I'm glad I looked."

A small voice inside my head tells me not to share my happiness with her.

Scenario #3:  Nearing the end of the day Female Boss is looking for an early dinner at the investment property rather than heading home to eat.  I can't blame her, easy alternatives satisfy that much more.  Then, a synapse in Female Boss' head fires, "Hey Northe, have you ever eaten cream cheese with turkey?"

Sounds odd, but basically you make a turkey sandwich on a bagel, add a slice of tomato and instead of using a slice of cheese put a little shmear of cream cheese on it, big whoop, its good tho.  I find it troubling she is asking me this as she is the one that introduced me to it!  I guess forgetfulness and idiocy go hand in hand, so I'll play along.

"Yes," I answer.

"Oh, well have you had it on a bagel with tomato before?"

Fending off the urge to get up from my seat to perform terrible deeds, I answer in the exact same way as the first time, "Yes."

"Really?  Where have you tried a sandwich like that before?"

My voice reeks of condescension, like I give a fuck, "Here."

"Oh."

Yeah, oh.  Oh, my brain fails to function 90% of the time I attempt to use it, or, oh, I was thinking Northe, maybe when you find the free time you can take this butter knife I used to spread the cream cheese on my sandwich and saw away at the major artery of your liking?  Which one?  Cuz that "oh" couldn't mean anything other than those two options.  This is one of those times when eeny-meeny-miney-mo can be used to pick a solution without catching ridicule.