First Timers

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Who shived you in the neck?

Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Tuesday, 22 November 2005 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss comes in almost 3 hours late to work.  I have several messages for her posted on her computer but this isn't important.  What is important is checking her in-mail.  Its nonsense time during my watch but I have to be Serious Business while she is impressed by internet parlor tricks circa 1991.  Like this fuckin daisy of an in-mail:  Random jackass friend of yours sends you an in-mail with some title that is supposed to spark your interest.  Instead of doing that, the only reason you open the in-mail is bcuz you hope that the asshat isn't trying to expose you to more nonsensical spam.  Every time you open that stupid in-mail and every time you are wrong yet you keep doing it.  Pieces of shit and their spam.

Sorry, sorry but fuck this.. I am ranting so try to keep up with me here.  The stupid title of the in-mail says "Clean your monitor from inside."  God damn it, I know some of you jerkasses are sitting there laughing cuz you've seen this stupid shit before.  Yeah, you have.  You open the attachment and there is a cat, dazzling to a newborn child, "licking" the computer screen from "inside" of the monitor.  Northe's response: Har, har, har.  Great fuckin' gag, close the in-mail.  Don't send it to anyone.  Don't waste anyone's time.  Delete.  But that's not the response shared by Female Boss, instead I get, "Incredible!!"

My interest isn't so much sparked as it is my programmed reaction to a) pretend to care about what Female Boss is talking about and b) perhaps this emotional outburst will yield a story for Angry Time.  I see the kitten licking the screen and turn my head squeezing my eyes as tightly as I can as if that will help me escape this horrific world.

"Oh my goodness!  This is the best!" she squeals.

Did I mention the movie loops itself.  That's right, its never-ending.. the entertainment doesn't stop.  Ever.

"You can't beat this one!"

Looped, a three second loop.  Same shit, over and over again.  The average person cannot possibly watch this for more than 15 seconds.

"I am enthralled by this!  This is the best!"

No matter how much I will this scene to end it keeps going.  At this point even God is shaking his head.  Then, He looks over at me and starts to laugh.

"Would you get a load of this!" she continues.

Ignoring her does nothing but prolong the situation.  I cannot bring myself to feign interest or contribute to her wallowing in cheap humor.  I just sit there and stare at my monitor and think maybe, just maybe, that cat will be as enthusiastic licking the blood off of her screen one day.

"I'm gonna have to send this to everyone!" says the idiot.

Thus, the cycle continues.  When that jackass in-mail hits you, you now know how its propagated.  You know how the madness doesn't cease.  You know the means by which the worm bores into your brain, infects, then eats away.  All in a matter of 5 minutes.  Be wary and do us all a favor by not forwarding any of these bullshit in-mails.  Please!