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Written by Northe   
Monday, 09 January 2006 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee?  On the topic of New Year's Resolutions, the fuckin king of mankind, Chakhtee, came in on Friday with the greatest shit I have heard in a long time.  First off, we all know the guy is certifiable, his brain is fried six ways from Sunday.  I believe Male Boss has been speaking with a tailor to get this guy fitted for a straitjacket and Friday happened to give Male Boss the gumption to finally place that order.. let's discover why.

Friday was hectic, work for business liaisons is insane this time of year bcuz of all the people coming into town on vacation and coupling that with some good old fashioned American powerhousing.  It was serious business time when Chakhtee came in and I couldn't have asked for a better scenario to give me a break.  This fuckin guy.  Damn it, there needs to be more of him.

He comes in with a monkey suit on.  If you know Chakhtee, dressing up for him is a fuckin sports cap.  I wanna bust out laughing from the get cuz the suit this guy is in is likely circa the year of the pirate.  A frilly shirt would have made this character look better than his off pink-blue pin striped long sleever underneath the tattered smoke gray, two sizes too short, flood waters on the breach pants complimented by cracked imitation leather wingtips.  The thing is, this guy thinks he's top notch, he came in with an air comparable to that of The Professional.  Lemme tell you something, Chakhtee is no Professional.  He's Count Chocula at best.

As for the reason why he's wearing his Sunday Best is bcuz he comes bearing a stack of papers and a New Year's Resolution I would have never seen coming:

"Male Boss, good morning," he starts.

"Chakhtee, why wearing this suits?" asks Male Boss.

"Well, considerring its New Year's I think its time I give my script another try,"

"Script?  What the fucks you talking about?"

"I have a movie script that was getting some good play two years ago and I think this might be the year its going to be picked up."

Guys.  I didn't even know Chakhtee could write.  The fact that he put together a string of thoughts into coherent writing is beyond the scope of what I thought he was capable of.  I could very well stand corrected on my lowly assumptions of the guy.

"Let me see this," says Male Boss as he grabs it from Chakhtee.

"Well, yeah.  That's what I came to do, take it, check it out, if you guys meet anyone in the business in the next several months pass it along.  When you see who I have in mind for the leading role you will see that it might be the prime time to sign him on a deal.  Oh and I can make more copies if need be.  I gotta run and drop off some scripts downtown.  See you guys."

As soon as he leaves, the magic happens.  Female Boss emerges from the back room after listening and apparently laughing her ass off into a sweater with the thought that Chakhtee had a movie script that he was actually going to distribute to legit companies.  Then again, the man said that it got some fair play.  Little may you know, everyone that is in California for the business of movies, singing, anything in the entertainment business, getting attention for your "talent" is as credible as Tookie Williams being nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.  Got it?

Everyone has their story about how they almost got signed to that multi-million dollar movie deal or whatever the fuck.  Sure, jackass.  In the meantime I whittled a toothpick out of a tree trunk.  Idiots, gotta love em.

The script?  Ok, the script.  Picture, if you will, a mish mosh of ol' timey off yellow typewriter paper that we used to use typing class in high school.  Yeah, that's how old we are, accept it.  Then, imagine that the script is 27 pages long.  A movie, 27 pages long!  Now I admit, I am no compendium of knowledge when it comes to movie writing but I guaranfuckingtee you that 27 pages isn't ample to throw together the script for Disney's: The Kid.  Then, with a little thumbing, I realize that 5 of those pages are original Chakhtee artwork.

The only thing comparable to Chakhtee artwork is HMT's.  The difference is, HMT doesn't include arrows in his artwork pointing to a guy with the words "Brad" and "Pitt" connecting that arrow.  Pretty much right there I started busting a gut along with Male Boss and Female Boss.  We hadn't laughed that hard in a very long time.  Chakhtee brought us together with his brain farts fit for a colostomy bag.  Ah, poor guy.  I don't want to share the script with you guys cuz it is his intellectual property but I'm sure, while you sit there bored at work, you can think of similar recockulousness on your own.  Classic Chakhtee at his finest.