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Who shived you in the neck?

Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Saturday, 24 January 2009 08:52

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Disclaimer:  I am aware if you view this post anywhere aside from this front page that the Related Stories side menu overlaps the post due to the image.  Gonna try and work out a solution, if we can't figure out how to fix it then I won't be posting images in the body of posts anymore.  Thanks for the heads up in-mails.

My jaw gapes and my blood boils.  I was not only at a sincere loss for words but after my initial reaction I started seeing so much red that I couldn't even come up with a proper in-my-mind berating of Female Boss that would soothe the feeling of blood lust and allow me to move on and perform the work tasks at hand.  I couldn't shake it.  I kept playing it over and over in my head in as a storm of anger erupted my head sending pulses of disbelief and malice to my more than capable killing appendages (read as: hands and foots).

What the fuck!?  What the fuck!?

I couldn't stop repeating that in my head.  It was so bad that venting the furious pressure building within by merely mouthing the words or saying it under my breath would have let loose a torrent of profanity leaving Female Boss as nothing more than a pile of human pudding and her mop of hair.  I just couldn't fathom what kind of mind, or lack thereof, could possibly receive, interpret, mull over and re-interpret such an irresponsible and feeble response.  It was really offensive to me.  That's how bad this affected me.  Granted, I am one to fly off the handle and being bombastic is indeed a favorite pastime of mine but this was a rare event to illicit such a harsh response I almost couldn't contain myself.

So what was it that sent me over the edge? It's probably not much to the normals that may visit the site but to the Angry Timers, you should be able to put yourself in my shoes and really see this for what it is.. an absolute depiction of the shallow minded colliding with the uninformed and creating the all too common average human being, in this case, Female Boss.  I say the average human being bcuz even with how dumb she is, truly to the core, she is far more intelligent than half the idiots I see outside of my garrison walled sanctuary most might refer to as their homelife.  So here's what all the fuss is over:

coot with monkey

Nothing alarming, right?  Just another one of you easily-amused fishwives passing along random photoshop'd photos created by an equally social retard via mass in-mail to whomever you feel might be as pathetic as you and you use this to connect with them.. its like your way to share a moment with an intellectual equal, like an amoeba, without having to go through the trouble of using complicated words and phrases.  I have already expressed my need to murder your kind, that is if you happen to be one of these bi-pedal slugs impressed by insipid parlor tricks, so I won't expound further.  The crux of the matter is what Female Boss said upon opening this in-mail attachment.  The previous photos conjured up the predictable ooh's and aaw's her ilk has adopted as part of their vernacular where as a true Angry Timer would substitue said predictable, simpleton, emotional intonations with something more along the lines of, "Capital," (wow!), "mutt's nuts," (something fantastic or swell), "that's the bees knees," (something that is nifty, neat, keen, swell or terrific) or "If you show me another one of these boring photos I will take a meat tenderizing mallet to those precious digits of yours."   However, this photo did not bring any of these reactions out of Female Boss, instead it went like this.  I'll give you the lead up, as it were:

"Aww."

*click*

"Aww, look!"

*click*

"Hey look at this one!"

I turn to look.  I say nothing, as I am more likely to use the last phrase I spoke of prior to the other more socially acceptable (whatever that means) responses.

"Look at that.." she trails off.

If you need a clue, Female Boss is trying to convert thoughts into a tangible string of words that her voice can then cough out.

"Its like a.. like a coot and a.. a.. well, I don't know what that is.. some sort of monkey.. one of those monkeys you see on the ground."

That's right.. coot and monkey. Coot! and Monkey! .. WHORE! Is anyone this dumb!?  Please, answer this!

For those of you that have no clue, coots are water birds.  They are black/dark gray with white bills.. at least the ones that I have seen.  Actually here's a photo of a coot.  Its not really the fact that she confused something that more resembles a duck than the bird in the photo its the choice that popped into her brain for her to enunciate.  Coot!  A fucking coot!?  You don't use that specific a name and throw it out as a random guess.  You use the word coot when you know damn well the thing is a coot!  Otherwise I don't understand how you can even come up with it!  Its like seeing a baseball cap and recognizing that since its somewhere in the hat family you can go ahead and call it a stove pipe hat or a wizard hat!  They're not the same!  Its too obscure and specific at the same time to break out some crazy variation of hat your mind happened to tap into when you really have no clue if you're right or not.  Hat, or bird, in this instance, is more responsible than trying to get all categorical and distinct!

Then, we have monkey.. MONKEY!?  You took time.. you took precious seconds for your brain to process what it was seeing and you came up with a fucking monkey!?  Not just monkey, but ground monkey!  What is this a Rorschach image?  Is this a best guess type of image?  You almost have to question if Female Boss even knows what a monkey is!  The ONLY thing I can think of is that she mistook a vervet monkey to the "monkey" in the picture!  How does dog, wolf, pup, canine, domesticated man-pet with muzzle, paws and wet nose not come to mind before you think MONKEY! Make sense of this!  I am begging you!  She examined the photo and didn't see paws, she saw fingers! I would understand if the picture was rushed across her face, then she could have come up with monkey, but she sat there trying to come up with the correct animal for a while and still got it wrong!  The only thing that makes this post possible is that I had the presence of mind, about 45 min later, to ask her to forward that in-mail to me so I could use it as Exhibit A in my rant.. a new practice that I plan on exercising more and more as the new site evolves.  Chances are some more specific images, in-mails and even digitally recorded sound will make themselves available to members of the website.  Its just another way to show you, my loyal Angry Timers, what I am dealing with and how real all this is.. so go ahead and continue to laugh at my expense and the next time you have a problem with your Boss just remember that they will never even come close to holding a candle compared to my Male and Female Boss.  I'll win every time.