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Written by Northe   
Friday, 03 March 2006 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

When it comes to etiquette I prefer to look at myself as more of a Hannibal Lechter on the subject.  I am very suave and debonair, as you can tell, from the fact that each of my posts wreak of charm and my gentlemanly qualities.  Okay, maybe that's all a bit of a stretch but lemme put it to you this way.  I know how to act a certain way when its time to act that way.  I can be a charmer if I want to pour it on and I can be a crass asshat like I am most of the time here.  Thing is, when it counts, I am as reliable as Old Betsy.  Meaning, I will kill a man, just point me at the victim.  Seriously, I don't know what that means.  My analogy tap house was torched by idiocy months go.

What I am getting at is how I can be one way and other people in the world not so much.  I mean what gives?  Is there a mental block or maybe some air of ignorance that envelopes most others?  For instance, Male Boss, bigtime money maker here.  This guy.. every fuckin day, eating away at his chips and shit, gets on the phone with important clients and starts yucking it up.  While eating!  That doesn't do anything for ya huh.. hmm.

Okay, lets take it a little further.  Classic example of two different or maybe even three different types of eaters in this world.  You notice this when you had your first sleepover as a kid.  You wake up in the morning before the parents, you and your friend are starving.  Cereal time!  Did you ever take a look at the way the other kid would eat his cereal?  Was it similar to you or complete opposite?  Maybe its just me but I found that eating cereal brings out the most raw and real behavior of an individual.  Every piece of etiquette is out the window here.  Why?  Bcuz you are a kid with a spoon the size of your palm, shoveling dry ass cereal with some milk down your throat and its time to grind that shit up before the razor sharp edges of Cap'n Crunch tear more than just the roof of your mouth to shreds.  Am I right or what?

There are the kids that did the moderate spoonful, ate with their mouth mostly closed.  This would be me.  Thing is I am a compulsively quick diner, especially when I was a kid.  As soon as there was room I pound more in; however, I always kept it under a certain amount of control.  Then there's the kid that puts a third or fourth of a spoonful in and loves to eat with their mouth wide open crunching like a fuckin yak grinding up cud even tho there isn't a ton of food in their mouth.  This type really boils down to terrible etiquette.  Then, there was the third and very rare variety.  The Variant.  The Variant is the type of person that takes a moderate to large spoonful and cocks his head back like a plastic shredder and, with mouth wide open between chews, pulverizes his cereal.  If you haven't seen the Variant class of eater, you need to people watch more.  Its hysterical.  However, I will submit to you that cereal is the best way to watch people eat to fully understand what I am getting at.

So, now that I have completely digressed I will let you know that Male Boss is Type 2.  He is a loud, wide-mouthed eater.  The kicker is he suffers from excess saliva.  So when chips would normally soak up most remnants of spittle in the old mouth, Male Boss can drool, make sucking sounds and slurps while eating chips!  This is so obnoxious I can't even begin to explain.  Like I said, he does this while speaking to million dollar clients.  No problem.  No one ever says shit, they come back for more.  I just don't understand how one can actually do that while on an important phone call.  More so, how do people pretend to ignore that shit when its up in your ear?  I can hardly tolerate it and I'm a good fifteen feet away from the mother fucker.

Whatever, I don't even know how to end this bitch.  Try pinching steel over the weekend or something.  Till Monday!