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Oh, Telephones.. PDF Print E-mail
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Written by Northe   
Monday, 09 February 2009 07:10

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

As Angry Timers, we have been bobbing in the wake of this dandy for years now.  I never figured that there'd be something worthy of a post regarding telephones again but here you have it.  In the grand task of going through these here archives, that I write to you now, that will fall upon our future generations I think the consensus will be that the probability of this happening would have taken place much sooner in history.  The thing is, I think for situations like this, timing is everything.  I know for a fact she, yes Female Boss not Male Boss this time, has bitched about such paltry and inane affairs before regarding her desk phone but it took just the right amount of zero-to-do to get that thingamabob that is in her skull in place of a fully functioning brain to flop around just enough to cause not only ephemeral infatuation but also the all-important action.  I bring you last week's actions of this hopeless reject.

I can hear Female Boss fumbling and flailing around on her desk like a slug that has been freshly salted.  After enough ruckus I have to get her to examine her stupidity and perhaps voice some sort of coherent response, "Something wrong?"

Her answer is worse than the original ice cube of poison I was sucking on, "Well, its just this phone.  The cord is terribly short.  Is there a way to get rid of the wires for the whole thing?  You know, make it wireless.  Can we do that?"

"Your desk phone?" I ask with complete disbelief.

"Yeah, can't we plug something in to it and make it wireless?"

Still miffed, I try and come at this not so much sarcastic but rather as a concerned professor, "I doubt there is anything like that for a simple desk phone.  Your best bet is to maybe use one of the headsets that we bought a few years back to give you a bit more mobility."

Female Boss spasms with glee, "Oh!  That would be great!  Those cords were like 2 feet longer than this stupid thing!"

Not bad, I think to myself, today I helped her in a timely manner rather than insulting her with subtleties and dragging on the topic for Angry Time.

Then again, you already know this was not the end result.  Female Boss leaves the office.  Curious, I think to myself, the headsets are in the cabinet right there, Oh well.  After 45 minutes I have completely forgotten about the exchange earlier, I guess I am getting more and more proficient at ejecting toxins from my brain.  Roughly an hour has gone by and she returns.  Paying no attention to her, I have no idea that I have already been taken captive by Female Boss.  Out of the corner of my eye I can see her lift a piece of black wire from her bag, which I think is one of the headsets.. maybe she bought a new one, I think naively to myself, but little do I know that Female Boss is piloting our spacecraft to explore the vast frontier of idiocy that stretches forever ahead of us and I have the pleasure of getting stuck with the one on one guided tour.  I know this because Female Boss did not return with one of the headsets I was talking about.. no, instead she went home and brought back her hands-free headset for her cell phone.

"What in the hell..." she says trying to plug it into any hole she can find on the phone (read as: two holes but apparently if it doesn't fit the first time maybe the 7th or 8th time will yield different results).

Holding up her hands-free headset Female Boss asks me, "Northe, shouldn't this thing be universal?"

I can't.

"This is ridiculous," she says continuing to beat the headset and the wire together like Cromagnum Man would two stones trying to make a Salisbury steak dinner appear out of thin air.  Yes, just like that.

"I give up," she sighs mightily.

Of course she doesn't, she is obsessed.  Our next stop is the obscure galaxy of tech support.  Grand...

Female Boss starts shouting at the robot on the other end of the phone, "Technical support!  Customer Service!  Operator!  Help!  English!  Help!  Help!"

Completely exasperated she groans,"Finally!"

Time passes, "Okay, now I am on eternal hold."

I desperately try to slink back into my work and ignore the situation.  This doesn't work.  Simply because Female Boss cannot do anything without speaking out loud.

After a mere 20 minutes of hold time (in the world of Tech Support I would say this is relatively quick) and listening to her barking random commentary about the phone not being this or that or whatever Female Boss gets through, "Hello?  Hello.  Hello!?  HELLO!?  NO!  HELLO!?  Assholes!!!"

"They hung up on me!"

Female Boss redials and goes through the same crap she just went through. Upon her second bout of successfully navigating through to a live person she enters her tirade of frustration.

"Okay, before we get into anything I have to file a complaint!  First of all, I was on hold for at least 30 minutes.  Then, when someone finally answered they said that they couldn't hear me and to call back if I was still on the line!  Now, you tell me, if you were in that situation wouldn't the smart thing to do would be to ask the customer that has been on hold all this time for their phone number to call them back!?"

So ends our journey.  Go back and think about that last line if you didn't quite get it..