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Home Angry Time Stories Grooming the Demonseed Part II
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Written by Northe   
Wednesday, 13 September 2006 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

I last left you with the seed firmly planted, that yes, Female Boss did indeed hire a dog trainer to train her bird, Demonseed.  Skipping over the fact that it would take a complete moron to do that we'll go right into the introductory dialogue between the two.  It began something like this..

"Just so you know I have never worked with a bird before," said Trainer.

"No, I know.  You told me before.  I just want to see if we can get anywhere with this training."

Sidebar:  Be aware this took about 2 minutes to communicate to one another.  Why?  Well, the screaming of Demonseed and barking of the dogs was so loud they moved into the office to where I can hear them no problem.  Once they were in the actual office it was much easier for them to communicate and much easier for me to write down their conversation.  Business types like to call this a win/win.

"So what do we want to accomplish with Demonseed?" asks Trainer.

"Well, I just want Demonseed to be happy and not screech so much."

"Okay, we'll try to achieve that with things that keep the bird busy."

Female Boss goes over to the bookcase and grabs some paper.  "Like this?" she asks.

"Sure, paper will do."

For one hour these two chimps fed Demonseed paper and Demonseed proceeded to shred it up.  Over and over again.  They shot the breeze about how stupid each of them is and how its a marvel that people with such untraceable levels of intelligence even possess opposable thumbs.. you know, stuff like that.  I just nodded in agreement the entire time.

Before long the "bird training" was just the two of them standing next to the bird cage and talking about music.. and get this.. Female Boss starts going off on how she loves to play the mandolin!  She has not touched it in seriously 6-8 months.  Look at the creation date of that story!  Its just so stupid.  Oh, Demonseed?  The bird is just standing there on its perch staring and these two whistling every now and then and just enjoying the fact that people are standing next to her for such a long time.  The dogs have been barking, not furiously, but enough to give an average person a headache after this much time has passed.

"Well I should really get going," says Trainer.

"Oh ok, no problem.  How much do I owe you?  It was two hours right?"

"Yes, $180."

Money well spent if you ask me.  Gives me enough info to write a story about and keeps Female Boss outta the office for a couple hours.  Plus there was a lot of progress made.  Imagine handing paper to a bird and the bird shredding it up!  I mean, its practically inconceivable.  The question becomes whether or not this is going to be an ongoing relationship.  I am answered shortly thereafter!  

"I can't help but notice the dogs are a bit unruly.  Perhaps one of these days I can work with them," says Trainer.

"Oh my god!  I never thought of that!  What a wonderful idea!  I think we're gonna have to do it!"

Dog trainer.. dogs.. hmm, dog trainer.. dogs.  Dog trainer.. and.. dogs.. dog, trainer.. dogs.. dogs... trainer of dogs.. dogs.. hmm.. no.  Nope.  I got nothing.  Thank goodness Trainer was able to put that equation together cuz there's no chance I'd have even thought of it!  I heard a line once.. Shake the nut tree and you're bound to have a few fall in close enough proximity to drive you to the point of murderous rage.  Eh, something like that anyway...