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Written by Northe   
Friday, 12 January 2007 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

It would be time spent poorly for me to reiterate the chemistry we have here between Male and Female Boss. The two are quite possibly the most volatile individuals I have ever seen. For starters, when I came back from Christmas Vacation, Male Boss staggered in taking an extra day off from work. The day he was absent, Female Boss was quite pleased. She spent the day taking shots at him and arousing a few laughs out of me. Unfortunately, her underdeveloped wit is all to be laughed at and the jokes are really not worth me rehashing.

So the next morning, Female Boss beats me to work.. I walk into the office and she's buzzing around the office doing this and that. With a raised brow I head to my desk, turn on the computer and observe through my periphery her level of energy.

"Good morning," I tells her.

"Mornin' Northe."

Female Boss finishes what she is doing and starts up again, "Well, Male Boss will be back in today."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he called me last night and said he would."

"Great."

"Yeah, great..."

"Ma'am?"

"I know he's going to be a bother to me.  He always is when he skips a day of work."

I scan my memory for any truth to this. I come up empty. I don't know what she's talking about but whatever. If she's in a pissy mood it only means that there is more potential for a story once all is said and done. I'll just wait for him to arrive and watch the show.

Moments before Male Boss opens the front door, Female Boss has a premonition, "I know he's gonna ask if we have bread here. I forgot to pick up bread for him. Fuck.. that's gonna be the first thing he asks for. God damn it."

The dogs begin to bark, the door opens and slams, "Where's the bread?"

No hi, no welcome back, no happy new year.. nothing. Only the prediction of Female Boss echoing throughout the office cracking the universe ever so slightly, sending us that much closer to doom. I spend little time on this.

Male Boss makes a bee-line to the kitchen asking the question again, "Where's the bread?"

"I didn't get any!" screams Female Boss.

Screams, yes screams.  What the fuck is her deal?  Is it that hard to use an inside voice?

"I don't believe zat.  You really forget it?" asks Male Boss.

Female Boss twists in her seat offering nothing back.

"Okay, then.  I am hungry.  How the fuck I get this pepper grounded?"

"Step on it, asshole!" screams Female Boss again!

Jeezus Christ, what the fuck is she screeching for?

"You want me to broke zis thing?  I'll fucking broke it," says Male Boss holding up a pepper grinder like its the first time he's ever seen one.

"Try twisting it you dumb fuck."

Male Boss pokes and prods the contraption and eventually figures it out.

"Okay, so what about wood spoon?"

"Whittle one."

Female Boss is quite ornery.  No clue what her deal is.  Who gives a doodle.

"How about you stop being the bitch to me? How's that? You're the one that forgets to buy bread and you takes it out at me? Stop being the bitch of our office."

"Up yours."

Then, the funniest shit I have ever heard comes out of Male Boss.

"It's haaard to beeee a womannnn," sings this crazy mother fucker.

Singing! Male Boss! I cannot do this proper justice. Remember that this guy has the worst accent ever, can hardly speak english and on top of that his normal voice ranks between squeaking car brakes and toddler's first tantrum on my list of pleasant sounds. Its like Balki from Perfect Strangers trying to sing a Brian McKnight song. It was terribly shocking and funny at the same time. The best is Male Boss continues to hum the tune! Fuckin great..

"You know that song, Northe?" he asks me.

"Why don't you leave him the hell alone and finish making your witch's brew," shouts Female Boss.

What the fuck is she even saying anymore? What pisses me off even more is that this shut Male Boss up. There was no further heckling at all. I am stuck with this little episode in my head with no explanation about why Female Boss made it her mission to be a complete jerkass to this clown for no apparent reason. Oh well, nothing makes sense in my life anyway. The up side is that I got to hear the mofo sing and I hope he does more often. I should really get a tape recorder up in here.