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Written by Northe   
Wednesday, 04 March 2009 08:17

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

About a fortweek ago Male Boss decided to invest in a laptop.  You know, cuz what better what to make my life more ridiculous at work than to troubleshoot not only his desktop but his laptop.  So, while his desktop slowly becomes a $2,000 paper weight and a breeding ground for spiders, Male Boss dives into his latest fascination.  One of the first things on his mind is, "Can I go on net?"

This is coming from a guy that calls his favorite search website "goggle" and has probably never used it in his life.  Wondering if he can go on net.. yeah, the same mother fucker that asked me if his computer "needs the memory" to go wireless.  Right, the same world wonder that once I put him on the wireless network asked if the computer "needs the memory so it can go fast."  Apparently, everything needs the memory.  Computer not loading garbage Windows Vista in under 4 minutes, must needs the memory.  Internet service provider down, "does it needs the memory to get back on?"

One day when Male Boss asked me about a needs the memory type conundrum, I put forth a challenge unto him: to explore the depths of his ignorance to explain to me what he meant by that.

"I don't know.  Maybe can use the memory to help it fix it."

I said nothing and continued to stare at him for what he means by it.

"Maybe it can fix.  I have no clue."

Really, Male Boss?  Really?  You have no clue?  You have not one fucking strand of a notion as to what the hell you are talking about yet you continue your one track mind of spreading and infecting those around you.  Not even a pathetic attempt at even what the beginning of the problem is, yet you sit there and throw out idea after brilliant idea that is always the same fucking thing!  Your brain has failed you just as you have failed it.  The unkind and cannibalistic nature the two of you share will eventually be your doom, I guarantee it.

In the meantime, I have stared him into silence.  After I shined the light of shame down on this inconvenient pattern of uninformed blabbering, Male Boss pretty much stopped using that phrase.  In fact, he has started to come to me with laptop in hand asking me what the problem is.  With great surprise and a half-cocked smile on my face I can appreciate the fact that his brain has not devolved into a worthless mass like most scientists would have theorized.  However, before you throw a parade for Male Boss, lemme tell you how he predictably floated back up to top billing on my Murder For Kicks List.

A few months in to owning his laptop, Male Boss has chewed enough potato chips at the keyboard to clog his keys and render them worthless about 3 times.  The latest problem is that the disgusting goo and fluids that have somehow splattered onto his laptop are now caking up his once beautiful screen.  Apparently, Male Boss attempted to clean said screen without consulting anyone that could possibly posses a greater IQ than an immature carrot.

"Shit's fucked up, Female Boss.  How do I clean it?" comes in Male Boss cradling his laptop like a wounded bird.

"You don't have the cloth that came with the laptop?  They usually come with a cloth, maybe even cleaning solution."

"That's gone.  I throws it away a while back.  It's all fucked now.  How can I fix?"

Female Boss and I turn around in our chairs to have a closer look at his laptop.  The only way I can describe how bad the screen looked is to say that it was like finding a ring pop that had been sucked on for 30 minutes by a hagfish and let to begin its beautiful crystalization/crustification in the friendly sunlight.  It bore the look of extremely sticky just by looking at it.  Like the pool of whatever the fuck coated the screen was literally creating its own suction and taking on the dust and dead skin swirling around the idiot and his machine.  The other thing you could notice was how thick of a coating was slathered onto it, hence the hagfish reference.. and yes, I know hagfish excrete the mucus as a defense mechanism.. the point is that it was thick, glossy and absolutely disgusting.

"What the hell did you do to your computer!?" asked Female Boss.

"Well.  Did not know what to use, so I used the stuff from outside."

"What stuff from outside?"

"There was a bottle with the wine cooler in the sun.  I thought it was rain but was kind of thick and then put some of the rubbing alcohol to make the solution to clean it."

"You made a solution to clean it with.. you, are so fucking stupid.  You better hope you didn't ruin your monitor."

"I don't need your criticism.  I need you to tell me how I can fix it."

"Oh I dunno, Male Boss, why don't you go in the kitchen and whip up another batch of solution and tell me when you find out."

Total reject.