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Written by Northe   
Saturday, 14 March 2009 10:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Since I have a stack of stories and have no clue where to begin, I decided to go ahead and pick items I have written down at random to start thinning through the pile until I get sick of sharing.  This way, I can dish out a ton of content and start separating the jot downs from the truly absurd.  Here goes.

The First: Alright, this first one lacks all sense.  It makes zero.  I was driving home and here's the scene.  Stuck in traffic along a major street there's this dude on the right hand side of the road.  This familiar is one of society's greatest achievements: the roadside human billboard.  Thing is, this guy coulda very well been the finer slice of horse meat between him and his boss.  Reason being, this guy was holding a sign over his head and the advertisement began with: "Deli Subs" written in green.  That sounds good, some hungry traveler might be tempted to pull over and check the place out based on the sole idea of enjoying a good sangwich.  However, every good sales pitch has to toss the bait out to the consumer.. the author of the sign decided that the best way to lure the customer into the door was with the phrase "Sandwich Tuesday!" written in red.

Understand?  Some marketing professor's delight made a fuckin sign that says, "Deli Subs: Sandwich Tuesday!" to dance around on the fuckin curb outside of his spot.  I can't even begin to decipher the dumb outta this one.  About the only thing aside from using words and spelling said words correctly, that makes any sense, is that it was indeed Tuesday.  So let's really start breaking the meat down to the sinew, shall we?  Does this semi-salted slug have a sign for every day of the week or is this a special day?  Is this establishment not selling sandwiches any other day of the week?  Are deli subs not considered sandwiches?  If not, the owner of this joint decides to give a little learning the uncultured masses that the deli sub is merely akin to a sandwich but no where near the literal term.  Perhaps its that Wed-Mon this guy has the sub-sandwich racket locked down but on Tuesday he breaks out the fuckin Wonder Bread, maybe?  Can I get some Orowheat mother fucker?  What the hell is that?  Sandwich fuckin Tuesday?  What about every other day of the week?  Do we have Fountain Drink Thursday?  Someone please describe what the hell this even means.  It's the small things, the peculiarities that float to the top of the bowl we call life that really pepper my knuckles.  There's so many paths this stupid scene can force me to walk that would only bring an impressive amount of suffering upon the idiots found within this deli shop and I am the victim!  I am the one that is forced to restrain!  What's equally depressing is the medium that raises this mark of shame into the sky cuz that's what he's paid to do.  He bears a standard that will quite easily bring war to his employer's doorstep on the exact right day where gumption meets blood lust meets purging the planet in a beautifully violent collision.  This poor, stupid piece of shit, with his crooked grin, holds up a sign that makes zero sense at all and loves it.  I'm tellin ya, I coulda steamed clams on my forehead I was so unglued.  Sandwich fucking Tuesday... wow.

The Second:  Ah, here's one you'll enjoy, I know I did.  I had a riveting exchange with Female Boss a while back.  The topic was counting.

Female Boss talking about one of the Plastic's kids and starts, "Kid was born in 2000."

I respond to her barking like an idiot, "Ah, so he's gonna be 9 this year?"

Female Boss then says, "No, no.  He was born in 2000."

I want to use razor wire to stitch my mouth shut so I can never make small talk with her again.

Female Boss goes on, "Lemme see.... born in 2000... 1, 2, ... to 2009 ... 10.  Wow he's already 10!"

I checked my desk, no razor wire :(

The Third:  I can hardly even explain this one.  Even though I have years of experience in this baboon habitat I still haven't come up with the correct vocabulary to correctly capture the behavioral patterns of the subjects.  So, this will be another shoddy attempt.

Temp Accountant (remember her?), who has not been working here for a long time now due to my inspiring methods by which I cannibalize worthless employees, calls up the office.  Female Boss answered the phone.  They exchange some pleasantries but it is very clear that Temp Accountant didn't dial the correct number.  Whenever anyone calls that hasn't called in a long time, or a number that isn't easily recognized, and Male Boss sees the Caller ID he always storms in questioning who it was.  It's absolutely insane bcuz he comes in like he's pissed off, chaos usually erupts and this is no exception.

Queue the master interrogator Male Boss, "Who was that?  Who called?"

Female Boss answers, "It was Temp Accountant, she.."

Bam, interruption, "Why!?  What does she want?"

Female Boss gives answering another go, "She said that.."

Again, shut up whore, "What did she say!?  She doesn't have any business calling here!"

Female Boss thinks the third time things will go differently, "All she said was.."

Shut up already, "You call her!  I don't wanna talk to her!  You call her!"

Then he walked out and left.  Yup.  It's good.