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Written by Northe   
Thursday, 05 April 2007 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

The key to besting one's opponent is to know one's opponent.  Male and Female Boss seem to know the exact right thing to do to drive the other up the wall.  This particular Boss Warfare will highlight a pair of counter-offenses.  When your adversary starts twisting your nipples how will you respond to win in the end?

Scenario #1:  This an evolving new behavior learned by Female Boss.  She piloted it a few months back when on the phone with a Plastic.  Basically, Female Boss will exercise this behavior if Male Boss is badgering her about a work assignment, a call back or doing anything work related while she is on the phone and not in the mood to work.  This happens to be most of the time, which is why it is in its evolutionary stages.

"C'mon Female Boss, stop fucking around I need your help."

Female Boss to the Plastic on the line, "Oh, I'm sorry Plastic but I am not allowed to be on the phone right now."

Male Boss usually barks back to her, "Yeah, yeah, yeah fuck you.  Get the fuck off the phone and quit bullshitting with your friends.  Sick of your lazy shit!"

Once her pilot test went over pretty well she decided to try it again while on the phone with Padre.  You remember him don't you?  If not, I have a great story coming up about him and a one Dunkirt.

Male Boss started in on her, "Female Boss, I'm sick of you wasting company time when you should be in here working with me and Northe!"

"Padre, apparently a man of God isn't worthy of my time right now.. making money is more important."

"That's fucking bullshit, Female Boss.  Say goodbye shortly and get in here!"

With the switch in attitude from Male Boss, a faint spark from a dying neuron fires in Female Boss' brain.  This time, unbeknownst to Male Boss, Female Boss is on the line with her parents.  He has no clue as he has just walked back into the office from being gone.

Again, he starts up, "Hey Female Boss, can you help me in here please?"

Chatter, gossip, blah.  Female Boss stays on the phone.

"Please, I'm begging you.  We have to talk about this and send off a memo to a client."

Female Boss continues to ignore him.

"Female Boss!  Now!  Get the fuck in here right now!  Hang up the phone and fucking do your job!  We have clients that need our expertise, please!"

Sneaky, sneaky Female Boss.

"Oh, I'm sorry mother I am not allowed to speak to you while at work."

"Ohh no.  Don't start that shit!  You speak with your mother and cut that out."

"Sorry mother, I'm apparently grounded.  I can't speak with you.  Perhaps I will get permission to call you in a couple hours on my drive home."

"Cut it out!  I do not say you can't speak with your mother.  Fuck!  Lying asshole."

"That's right mother, I have to go."


"Fuck you, Female Boss.  You're an asshole, make me out to be a bad guy when all I ask is that you do your job."

"Well, my mother won't know the truth will she?"

Ouch, Male Boss, ouch.

Scenario #2:  Its toward the end of the day.  Female Boss is riding Male Boss about being a terrible person.. this is all too normal for me but perhaps not touched on enough here at Angry Time.  For some reason, every now and again, Female Boss calls a meeting to the last of her brain cells and sets them to self-paranoia mode.  She begins thinking of ways people in her life are conspiring against her.. actively seeking out a way to drive her own self completely nuts.  It's good...  Once her normal state of dementia is overridden, Female Boss slips into a state of mania crossbred with anxiety.   At this stage you can expect an awakened rage as ancient as Archimedes' Death Ray.  Fortunately for Male Boss, her tekanik is not all that effective.

In response to her accusatory advances, Male Boss goes out back and brings Puppy into the sitting room.  Female Boss is screaming at him, she sees that he feels it right to ignore her.  Male Boss places Puppy in his lap and Female Boss starts on him about how he doesn't care about the dogs.. about how she's not even sure who the dogs really belong to.. just complete irrelevant madness.  Poking, prodding and probing for something.. anything to get pissed off at.  I pretty much think its the smart thing to do.  Its how I tend to pass my time as well.. as you can see with this blog here.

Male Boss sits there stoic like a dragon on a perch overlooking a town ripe for a firestorm except the reality is that Male Boss is slumped way down in his trusty couch, wearing a sweat suit from the early 90's sporting a 5 o'clock shadow and a powerful musk that smells like sauerkraut and cheese while he stares blankly at the boob tube.  Once he tires of the ranting he takes Puppy and sets her into a crib, yes a fucking crib, that these jackholes bought to put individual dogs in while in the actual office.  The point is it keeps them contained along with their sporadic letting of feces and urine.. house training the dogs is not an option still.. even with the Bird Trainer.

Once Puppy is placed in the crib, Male Boss sits back down on the couch and watches the fireworks.  Puppy begins to cry like you wouldn't believe.  The crib is in the corner of the office, kind of betwixt where I sit and where Female Boss sits.  However, the crib is blocked from my point of view.. whoever is in the crib they can only see Female Boss.  The best part is that its just far enough away from her to where she finds it a pain in the ass to get up and do anything about the cries from Puppy.  Shocking as it may be, Female Boss is unable to do two things at once, like concentrate on work and listen to Puppy's nonstop yelping.  Male Boss knows this, he's no spring chicken.. he's an old hand when it comes to this war.

"Male Boss, can you please get Puppy.. I can't think with her crying."

Heh yeah right, after a half hour of beating him down she's gonna go ahead and use the word please as if that's gonna help.

"I can't think in here!  Male Boss, please!"

Female Boss is about 10 feet from the crib, Male Boss is about 30 feet from the crib.. the problem is easily remedied by a little gumption and self-motivation.

"Please!  Can you get Puppy out of here and put her back outside!"

Male Boss is as passive as Ghandi on his deathbed.

"Get the fucking dog, now!" demands Female Boss.

Male Boss doesn't budge.  He takes in the scene much like I would.. grinning from ear to ear.  Female Boss, you lose.