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Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Monday, 15 June 2009 08:05

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

No excuses for my absence, real life just gets hectic sometimes.  I wade back into the thickest part of the swamp and go in neck deep to demonstrate how tortuously suffocating life has been at the office as of late.  Female Boss continues to prove she is the festering carcass of a bullfrog in these parts giving off that unmistakable stink in the nose whenever you're close enough to spear her in the pancreas.  Even wading through this bog on a daily basis am I never met with a dull, expected feat of idiocy.  This time, Female Boss decides to show off her mathematical skills.

Scenario #1:  Female Boss is on the line with one of the Plastics and no doubt there is gonna be some riveting conversation at hand.  Beginning to listen about half way through the decent to the 3rd ring of Hell, I start jotting down what was said.

"Isn't pi the circumference of a circle?" asks Female Boss.

Dissatisfied with the answer on the other end of the phone she goes to the only person that might, on some off chance, be smarter than her, "Northe, isn't that right?  Pi is the circumference."

I hate being the bearer of bad news on things that are too easy.  I like to go on a round about journey of slice 'n' dice rather than the kill shot.  So rather than slaying the dragon, I give off the primeval hrmm that even she should be able to understand and add in a gentle, "I don't think so."

Consider that a slash to the cheek.

"No, I'm pretty sure that a circle is 3.145."

Once the blood breaches the flesh of her cheek and starts to wander onto the landscape of botox injected face, I begin to wheel around for the next strike, "What?  That doesn't sound right."

"Plastic doesn't know, I am almost positive that how round a circle is, is pi."

"No, a circle is 360 degrees around," I say going after the insides of her elbows as I watch her arms go limp.

"A circle?" she sputters.

"Yes, a circle is 360 degrees around, pi has to do with a circle but not it's circumference.  Circles can be different sizes, the circumference is the distance around it, it can't be just one static number for every circle," I can feel her hamstring snap and contract as it reverberates off my blade.

"Ohhh, you're right," she vomits out as she slinks down to one knee.

I kick her in the back and finish the job but Female Boss' stupidity continues to grow stronger.

"You know, as a society, we never think about that," she says.

At this point I check out mentally and just go to secretary mode.

Now speaking to the Plastic on the phone, "You know we should invent something to make people more aware.  We could use "LOL" to make it more prominent."

Seppuku is looking more and more like the option for me.

"Well yeah, because that's what the kids relate to with the O being a circle.  So we can use that in, like, an awareness campaign or something.  Just call it LOL, it's pretty simple and easy."

Then, as quickly as the dumb came, it vanished.  There was no more talk of the glorious town hall meeting that could have been or the interview with Oprah.  Instead, she hung up the phone a few seconds later and went on with her in-mail forwarding and nail filing as if she never had the idea.  Too bad, it coulda been glorious.

Scenario #2:   This one isn't near as enthralling but scores just as high marks on ye olde retarded meter.

Speaking out loud to me, Female Boss starts telling me how she hates randomized/assigned passwords that websites give you when you sign up for them.  I let her know that you can usually change them in your account settings.  I hit a nerve with this one.

"If you can't remember what the password is or don't know what is what in the password then you can't even log in!"

I tell her I have no idea what she is talking about.

"Well, like if you get your assigned password sent to you how do you know what is what."

I still have no idea what she is trying so hard to put into words so I ask her to be more specific.

"Ok, like this for example," she gestures me over to her screen.

"Okay," I say.

"Well?  Is that zero the number zero or the letter?"

Uh huh, you guys were taught the wrong alphabet.. the idiot who wrote the ABC song forgot to add in the letter ZERO!  What an asshole.