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Written by Northe   
Thursday, 15 November 2007 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Imagine the joy in my heart when I found out that Padre was sending over a friend from overseas, another priest so you know, to stay at the investment property for a couple of days.  This was a brand new shot at someone else's personal Vietnam to take place here at the office.  The smile on my face was not like one of those jovial kid in the candy store type deals, its more like the sinister smile of a sniper before he squeezes off a kill that has been a long time coming.

Rejuvenated with the news, I asked when this would be.  The victim was gonna be here on Thursday and then stay the weekend, most of his time would obviously be at the investment property alone but it gave me two days of some great potential, not the best case scenario but good enough.  The week before fell off the calendar and arrival time came.

He was a portly gent, not very nice and seemed to me that the good Lord blessed him with an extremely severe case of gum disease that stopped me from even shaking his hand.  It was frikkin disgusting.  It looked like it hurt to smile.. it was like a coked out angel stole God's product and hammered pieces of chipped teeth into his gums.  Apparently no one showed this idiot what a toothbrush or floss was in his 60+ years on this here Earth.  According to my calculations the only thing that can save this guy's mouth at this point would be some sort of chisel set and enough porcelain to construct a bidet.  After that procedure was Frankenstien'd maybe pickup a set of donated horse gums to replace the red, irritated and decaying human set he has.  Even then, you'd still have to tackle the halitosis problem.

As one can deduce, his overwhelming repugnance set off the 21 gun salute welcome that the dogs give off to any and all guests of honor at the investment property.  Lucky for this jackass, they were all present and about as loud as you can possibly imagine.  Before long his ears were ringing to the point where he could no longer hear a lot of the frequencies he once enjoyed.  Good enough, as the only person worth speaking to in the office wasn't going to be saying anything to him anyway.. so you know, that person would be me.

The best part about the whole thing is that Female Boss is doing her usual song and dance about how this is so uncharacteristic of the dogs followed by her making shushing sounds that are all but drowned out completely in the noise.  Female Boss takes GumDisease to the back room and shows him where he will be staying, silence takes the room back, not a peep from the dogs.  When she comes back in with GumDisease, it starts all over again as if these were GumDisease's initial seconds of entry.

The tour continues to the office, where I am now seated.  An item of note: Demonseed's cage is in the room with me.  As soon as Demonseed sees GumDisease she starts going completely ballistic.  She couldn't quite see GumDisease when he walked in so she had only been flying back and forth across her cage trying to sneak a peak.  Now that she has seen the infiltrator she greets him like only Demonseed can.  Her screeching is insane.  I'm talking painful.  Its like a very fine laser beam passing right through your brain over and over again.  The good news is through many hours of training I am able to find it hysterical bcuz the chaos only makes for a more interesting story for Angry Time.

Female Boss is starting to fidget and bob and weave.  She knows she looks like an idiot and GumDisease is really getting pissy.  GumDisease puts his hands on top of his head and leaves them there.

"Good heavens that bird!" yelps GumDisease.

"Oh, nooo.  She's a good bird.  Right, Northe?" pleads Female Boss.

The beauty of stupid questions and ambient noise is that you can pretend that you never heard them.

"Yeah, see she's a good bird," says Female Boss to Demonseed as she clutches the side of the cage with her talons screaming right in her face.

"Quiet!" screams Female Boss back at the bird.

Even though it was probably the loudest I have ever heard her scream its as if she was whispering.  The sound is becoming deafening, GumDisease is in complete shock staring at her with his hands still on his head wondering what the hell Jesus would do.. I am guessing.  Unfortunately, GumDisease doesn't have the answer in any handbook and stands frozen, mouth wide open and the blood rushing to his head.

So Female Boss starts up something new, "La la la la la."

Female Boss' singing seems to be working.  Slowly, the dogs cease their barking one by one after some time.  Demonseed is down to a mere caw and all is becoming right in the world again.  Still nervous with hand shaking from the embarrassment, Female Boss turns around to face GumDisease.

She sees how completely appalled GumDisease is.  Trying to lighten the mood, Female Boss jokingly says, "I take it you are dying to hold the bird."

GumDisease is not amused, "That bird is not my responsibility."

His stare is about as cold as a witch's teet.  There is no sarcasm.  There is no joy.  There is no light in his eye, only despair.  In the first 15 minutes of being here, GumDisease has already outlived his stay.  He did not spend the night at the investment property.  He did not even stay a couple hours.  In fact, Female Boss told me the next day that he never unpacked his things and left to a local motel in a cab about 30 minutes after I left.  GumDisease was such a pissed off customer that when Female Boss insisted that she drive him to the motel.. he wouldn't even accept it.  Phenomenal.