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Who shived you in the neck?

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Been blogging since: September 2004.
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There was this one time... PDF Print E-mail
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Written by Northe   
Tuesday, 30 June 2009 18:30

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Scenario #1:  There was this one time The One had an upset stomach so Female Boss kept him confined in the kitchen where he could squirt brown all over the place without suffocating the office with the putrid smell.  Female Boss was being quite the diligent worker that day, being that she stayed at her desk for a few hours without getting up.  This is extremely odd behavior for her, as her primitive brain requires reboot every few minutes or it will start to ooze from her ear canal.  The reason for her impromptu work ethic is quickly revealed when Male Boss gets up from the leather couch to refill his beverage.

"Male Boss, you have to clean up after The One this time.. I can't take it anymore."

"No way.  You know how to clean it."

After a bit of back and forth, Male Boss returns to the sitting room and says nothing.

Clearly perturbed, Female Boss heads to the kitchen to re-familiarize herself with the fecal.

"What!?  What the hell is this!?" she screams from kitchen.

Male Boss gives out a grunt.

"What's with all the shit in here!?" she screams again looking for any response.

Male Boss' answer is simple and suggestive, "I tried to clean like you said but only smears on the ground.  You clean it next."

At this point you can just go ahead and imagine the fabulous smears and finger paint designs Male Boss likely made with The One's waste.  Good times.

Scenario #2:  There was this one time Male Boss' car was in the shop so he had to roll around in a rental for the week.  This was probably the 2nd or 3rd day, and Male Boss had left the office maybe an hour or so prior to Female Boss discovering her inner morality police badge, "Do you think Male Boss is smoking in the rental car?  You don't think he would, do you?"

Were she to be bleeding out on the granite tiles I would have had the same response; nothing.

After another minute of idiotspeak, Female Boss cracks, "I gotta call him."

As accusatory as possible, Female Boss asks, "What are you doing???"

Male Boss probably starts a dissertation on the varieties of ear wax caked beneath his fingernails when Female Boss interrupts, "There's no way you are smoking in that car, is there?"

Male Boss going on about the different colors and textures found deep within the canal, Female Boss decides a lecture is due, "You know you're not the only one that will ever drive that car?  Have you ever thought of that?  How dare you!  How dare you smoke in a rental car!"

If she gets this pissed at someone smoking in a rental car imagine what she would say to me if she was ever to stumble upon these here annals of her stupidity.

Scenario #3:  There was this one time some Client from back in the 90's that Male Boss used to be tight with came out of the wood work.  He was excited to add another clown to the rolodex and starts boasting to Female Boss about the grand accomplishment.. of Client finding our number.. and Client calling him.. and him doing nothing.  Female Boss has no clue who Client is, zero name recognition of Client, not even any recollection of the name of the company.

Male Boss is clearly bothered by her inability to recall what is apparently not only a long time personal friend of theirs, but also a client that they worked with for the better part of a decade.  Male Boss gives her story after story, instance after instance and Female Boss still has her token constipated look plastered on her face.  All she can tell him is that she has no clue what he's talking about.  This is when Male Boss seeks out his go-to guy.. Mr. Northe.. that'd be me.

"Northe, find the website."

After a few seconds of computer hacking I find the website and let him know it's on the screen.

"Excellent.  Yup, that's them.  Do me a favor, print it and then hand it to Female Boss so she can wipe her ass with it."