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Written by Northe   
Thursday, 01 April 2010 09:33

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

This was one serious day. Being a self-proclaimed scholar regarding the Zodiac of Fools, I can say that this particular day as the Moon of Lunkhead fled from the House of Oaf and made its final move into Ignoramus, the stars were perfectly aligned for my fantastic Bosses to really make mischief. Never one to disappoint, Male Boss was the last to arrive at the office.

"Oh, shit!" he cries out after closing the front door.

"Whoa, whoa, shit! Whew!" he goes on.

"Ha! Son of a bitches!" he finishes.

"What's the problem?" asks Female Boss from the office.

"Your stupid fucking dog took the shit in the doorway entrance!"

"Well, clean it up! Don't just leave it there!"

"Get over here!" he shouts as he snatches The One.

The One barks and yelps. Female Boss starts for the front of the investment property. She screams, "What the hell are you doing!?"

"This is your fucking dog and he deserves it, now YOU clean it up!"

"You've got fucking problems, Male Boss. You're a head case, real fucking problems."

Realizing that the happenings aren't going to be verbalized I make it a point to walk on over. I am treated to seeing Female Boss toweling off shit from The One's nose, Male Boss toweling off shit from his hand. After seeing Male Boss dunk her precious pooch's face in his own shit, Female Boss going on and on at how she will never let Male Boss near her dog again. A vow that lasts all of 20 minutes, by the way.

Time Lapse

In the wake of frustration, Female Boss was now calm enough to flex that big brain of hers. Today was the day Padre, back in town and definitely not staying with my fantastic employers, was returning for a visit to the investment property to help Female Boss garden.. and by helping Female Boss garden, I mean plant whatever he wants and have Female Boss look out the window with her arms crossed complaining under her breath the whole time. He shouldn't be planting that there, he shouldn't be planting that there, he shouldn't be planting that at all.. whatever. Tremendously unimportant.

Post-complaining Female Boss starts to explore the brighter side, "I think its good luck to have a Padre plant in your garden.. I mean it couldn't hurt right? I wish Chakhtee was like that.. he could really lose the weight. I could get him over here and really help out around here. The place could use some sprucing up. Plus, after Padre blesses it what wrong could he do? I think I am going to call Chakhtee and maybe have him help bless the garden. Prayer for the plants," she laughs to herself.

I really don't know where my criticism can begin or, more importantly, end with that series of thought so I'll just move on.

Male Boss sick of hearing her inane babbling interrupts, "Who the fuck are you even talking to!? No one's listen! You talking to no one and talk of stupid things all the time!"

Female Boss rolls her eyes.. either in protest or completely unable to defend his accurate assessment of her soliloquy.

"That's right, now you shut the fuck up. Fucking wasting business time like always."

Female Boss stomps off like a 2 year old in a fit and heads for her plastic pail/shovel combination to join Padre in the garden.

"Yeah, that's right. Now you gonna spend all day with the hand in the dirt. Waste of a day, wasting our money! You lose the business money!"

Time Lapse

Male Boss leaves for liaison work. Female Boss feels comfortable enough to re-enter the office where no one was left to judge her.....  ......... ..... right..

She starts on about how an old Plastic friend from New Jersey was going to be in town for the weekend celebrating her birthday. The Plastic's daughter called Female Boss the night prior expressing interest to send her mom flowers. Queue more brilliance.

Female Boss' voice quieted to a whisper, "I mean, flowers? Really? Wouldn't a basket of fruit be better?"

She has to be going somewhere special with this one so I freeze in my chair and listen intently.

"I could really go for some white peaches.. oooh, or some kiwi!"

I can hear her eyes lighting up in her voice.

"That would be so much better than flowers," her voice raises.

Scared that someone could be listening in, she picks up her phone and clears the line. No one has called for 20 minutes! What the hell kind of paranoia does it take to be that skittish!? A God damn freak show I tells ya!

Female Boss' voice returning to that serene and annoying whisper, "I guess I won't say anything though, but I think I deserve something for letting her stay at my place. I am entitled, right? Maybe I'll call her, I don't know."

She truly is the master of making so many things about her.

Time Lapse

At the end of the day, Male Boss comes back to the investment property with a cat in his arms.

"What the fuck!? A cat!? Are you nuts!?"

The dogs are completely unglued, this goes without further explanation.

Male Boss answers her with a question, "What? She's cute! What's wrong with you?

Female Boss gasps, "Male Boss, you idiot! She's pregnant! Get her out of here and take her back to where you found her!"

"I don't know where I find her. The house could be anywhere."

"Well, you gotta get her out of here, we can't have a cat too! You want me to call my father and tell him that we have taken on another burden!? You really want me to do that!?"

What the fuck that means I have no idea.

Then, after careful contemplation, thinking only of his immediate concerns, Male Boss asks Female Boss one of the best questions of all time, "You think we can take him to my Doctor Friend and give it an abortion?"

Life = Complete