First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Announcement: The milestone of the 250th post has been reached.  Not necessarily this one cuz from what it looks like either my old blog address at blogspot made some errors or I can't seem to figure out how numbers work.  Either way, thanks to all the Angry Timers that participate via comments, in-mail and especially to all my friends that keep me motivated to bring you these tales of incredulity.  I have been saving this one for the better part of a year now since I pretty much crapped out on 2008.  This story holds a special place in my heart and when you read this it you will realize that I wanted to post it that very night that it happened.. instead I saved it for The Angry Time Somewhere Around 250th Or So Post Extravaganza!  Chin up jerks, it will live up to the expectations.

The Quality Time: I would love to have lived this moment for a life-age as it was probably my favorite moment after stepping into employment here.  It was lunchtime and every blue moon, Male Boss likes to order in a pizza or three.  Unfortunately, my lunch was already consumed so his offer of a pizza with any topping(s) of my choosing was completely wasted.  I had to tell him to get whatever he wanted and Male Boss graciously offered that I could have whatever I wanted once they arrived.

30 minutes and $15 later, Male Boss started having at his pizzas.   He's a pretty cosmopolitan guy; he likes his super meatfest pizza with all the cured, sausaged and scrap meat, followed up by some slices of the veggie style pizza with the onions, shrooms, bell pepper etc and then decided to round it off with a good ol' Hawaiian.

With his mouth full and a paper plate stacked with literally 7 slices of pizza, Male Boss eases himself onto the leather couch in the sitting room and tells me, "Go, man.  Go get yourself some pizza."

I am still pretty stuffed so I respectfully decline.

"Ok, well I am not gonna eat all zis so whenever you want they will be in the kitchen."

About 2 hours later I am starting to feel a pocket of emptiness in my stomach and deem that pizza could plug that hole right quick.   Male Boss is no where to be seen and Female Boss never came in to work today.  I rub my hands together anticipating some tasty treats and start rifling through the boxes.. boxes that once held beautiful slices of pizza.  The meatfest is nothing but cheese and some scraps stuck to the cardboard.  The veggie pizza, definitely not what I was craving had a few slices left and then I get to the Hawaiian.

What the fuck is this?

There are 6 slices of Hawaiian left and all of them are pock marked with the lonely craters that were once filled with delicious slices of ham.

Piece of shit!

Before I could get too worked up, Male Boss comes strolling in through the front door laughing his ass off.

"Oh, I was coming to get you.  Come look zis!" says Male Boss while holding in his laughter.

Male Boss takes me outside where I see Dunkirt just hanging out and rooting around making his typical pig noises.

"Watch zis."

Male Boss pulls out a treat for Dunkirt and starts tossing piece after piece on to the ground.  Dunkirt is happy as can be and lapping it up.  Male Boss is in fit of laughter bordering delerium.  He can hardly breathe as his body jerks out the motions to take the treats and actually toss them in Dunkirt's direction.

"How does it taste you stupid son of a bitch!?  You stupid mother fucker, tell me!" shrieks Male Boss in a frenzy.

That's when I actually focus in on this wildly gyrating stooge and indeed he is a sick and twisted mastermind.  Male Boss has a paper plate stacked several inches high with every piece of pork product from the two pizzas and is hucking them at Dunkirt with such enthusiasm I begin to join in on the laughter.  Male Boss sees this and approves.

"Yes, that's right!  Eat your cousin you stupid fucking pig!  Eat him!"

Male Boss steps up his game by actually starting to throw the pieces of cooked pig at Dunkirt's face while he mocks him.

"Catch your cousin you dumb fuck!  Catch him in your mouth!"

Some of the best minutes of my life come to an end once the plate is empty and Male Boss and I lumber back into the office.  With a smile on my face, yet disappointed at how quickly it all went away I go back to work.  As the reality of the workplace sinks back in and the smile fades from my bitter mug, Male Boss leaves me one last moment to relive.

"Here Northe, listen to zis."

He picks up the phone and dials.

"Hey Female Boss, I just spent the afternoon feeding your pig his brothers!"

Cackling like a tavern wench Male Boss slams the phone down and hangs up on Female Boss.

"Zis day I will never forget, Northe.  I laugh my heart out."

I too, Male Boss.  I too.

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Phelps said:

I've got some cousins that are small-scale pig farmers. They do that shit all the time. It never seems to get old. And that's what the FDA thinks started mad cow (feeding cows animal proteins). Shit, pigs will eat each other alive. If there is a piglet that is too slow and runty, the other pigs will start taking chunks out of them. Which makes sense, I mean what kind of sick fuck eats his brother all at once?

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January 15, 2009 | url
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Shaft said:

	Oh God, I have tears in my eyes and my belly aches from laughin. This guy (male boss) is too much!
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January 16, 2009
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Northe said:

	Damn, Phelps.. you're making me think to ask the eternal question; would Male Boss would be more ridiculous in a permanent country type setting or in this cityscape setting?
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January 17, 2009 | url
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Dies said:

	dood imagine a pig fattened up with pig has gotta make some tasty bacon
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January 18, 2009
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	Really, who is blowing the zoning commissioner over there? Cannibal farm animals in a residential zone? Pretty sick, sir, pretty sick.
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