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Home Angry Time Stories The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Sortie Mission Training"
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Written by Northe   
Thursday, 26 February 2009 06:05

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Good ol' Kryssmas.  As you can readily tell, Kryssmas and Male Boss shared a beautiful connection from the start.  He seemed to take a real shine to this pathetic creature and wanted to make it part of the family.  It's either that or he was actually training this bird to become a menace.. essentially, even still, making it part of the family.. you know, considering nothing or no one in the office is particularly good, nice, well behaved or even normal.  The fact that Kryssmas loves to practice the art of self-mutilation, as noted in the previous tale, there are only a few more benchmarks that need to be reached.  The question is if Male Boss will deliver?

Oh, I'm so bad with surprises.  I guess the question really isn't if he is to succeed in his quest but rather how he will meet these lofty expectations.  Let's take these one by one.  Obviously normal was tossed out the window at inception.  This bird has so many frikkin mental problems it makes the idea of a Centathalon not only practical but, with a similar perspective, would take events like Pain Tolerance and Murder Checkers and turn them into recreational activities.  Thing is, at this point in time Kryssmas is still a good spirit.  Sure, he's an idiot but so is 86% of the planet, so it's accepted.. practically completely overlooked.  Why?  Cuz it's not interesting.  It's basic, meek and insipid.  So, Male Boss implemented a plan that would take down these aforementioned qualities as sloppily as his brain could discharge the process. 

The first is breaking this already fucked up bird.  With an already stained and weathered canvas, an artist is forced to abandon the soft touch of his brush and go right to the meat hooks.  Now, I am no fan of Male Boss' first technique.. especially not with Kryssmas.. sure he's a reject but.. shit, I don't know.. maybe Kryssmas was enjoying it.  Male Boss would set Kryssmas down on the ottoman in front of him in the sitting room and commence his own twisted version of dodgeball.. except by dodgeball I really mean the beloved sport not mentioned in Dwight's Centathalon clip: Move or Be Wounded.. and instead of using a partially inflated red rubber ball, Male Boss used paper clips.. bent paper clips.. that he'd flick at Kryssmas.  Rest assured that Kryssmas would dodge 95% of the time but that 5% forever changed that bird.  When walking back into the office from lunch or back from the kitchen after getting a drink I would observe Kryssmas nervously pacing back and forth on the ottoman like a caged jungle cat.  Male Boss would ready up the ammunition and launch.  The times Kryssmas would dodge it was almost as if he was enjoying himself.  Bob, weave, duck, squawk, juke, chirp, bob, hop, screech and so on. Then again, it's more like your mind takes the disturbing image and morphs it into something more palatable or cartoonish.. sometimes even funny or entertaining.. sure that's completely fucked up but shut up, if you don't do it you're part of the problem why human's use so little of their brain.

As anyone can deduce from this regiment of, probably daily, madness (hey I'm only there part of the time, I'm sure Male Boss would do this into the wee hours of the night when he had the gumption) Kryssmas became completely intolerant of people coming near him.  The poor bastard would nary spend a moment without pacing, shuffling or desperately searching the reachable parts of his body to scab up by ripping out his feathers.  With so much negative energy pent up, Male Boss went on to phase two of his project.  I have only the slightest idea of how Male Boss performed his next bit of conditioning.  All I know is one day I walked into work and Female Boss was screaming at the top of her lungs at Male Boss to leave the bird alone.  I surveyed the scene as I walked by into the office and all I could see was a ruler in Male Boss' hand as he stood by Kryssmas' cage.  An exasperated Female Boss came into the office after yelling at him and blurted out information along the lines of, "He's turning the bird into a hateful creature."  Testing the theory while they were out at lunch I was able to confirm that if you moved in close enough, Kryssmas would lunge at you beak first.  Now that the bird was a complete menace, Male Boss was able to move onto the final phase of his work.

In order to achieve complete chaos from Kryssmas, Male Boss learned what Kryssmas would go crazy for.  This little somethin' somethin' is yogurt.  Male Boss would put on an oven mitt, rustle around loudly enough in the plastic bag the treats come in till he got the bird's attention and place a yogurt treat in his curiously gloved hand.  Once Kryssmas' crazy eyes fixed on the prize, he would take flight, land on Male Boss' hand and receive his reward.  Shrewd as a war time general, Male Boss would be sure to practice this technique ad nauseum but only when Female Boss wasn't around.  His plan was slowly coming together and he would not allow his diabolical scheme to be thwarted by the likes of his do-gooder cohort.  So, day in and day out, bag rustling, yogurt treat, oven mitt and in flew Kryssmas.  By the end, all Male Boss had to do was rustle the bag and Kryssmas would come flying in and find a spot to land wherever to search for the treat.  The kicker is how Kryssmas behaved when there was no treat.  To be revealed here shortly.

Like any brave fighter pilot, the master knows when you are ready and ceases any further instruction as the rest of your training and experience must be learned in action.. it could be just as easily explained as Male Boss becoming completely bored with Kryssmas or finding some other shiny bauble to stare at and take up his time.  Enter Female Boss, the primary objective of this sortie and dozens to come.  The first mission Kryssmas flew was when Female Boss came back from the grocery store with who knows what in paper and plastic bags.  Then.. you guessed it.. *rustle rustle*SWOOP!

Granted, I could not see this but I could definitely hear it.  It sounded like the flapping of a condor and the silence it broke caused the dogs to freak the fuck out.  So with Kryssmas' blitzkrieg, the clamour of the dogs and the crest of Demonseed pointed to the heavens, the bird started attacking the hands of Female Boss.  Female Boss was shrieking like a banshee and calling for help.  Male Boss darted up from the couch and started cracking the hell up at the scene.  Female Boss had to bat the bird away till he found refuge on his personal aircraft carrier (read as: Male Boss' shoulder).  After the damage was done, Female Boss retreated to the back of the house to get the Bactine and, count 'em, 4 band-aids.  It took weeks to break Kryssmas of these habits and the most logical, which was probably the last remedy to be exercised, was actually locking him in his cage.. yeah, go figure that these paradigms of acumen we have in both Male and Female Boss wouldn't have thought of that sooner.  Oh.. and fret not Angry Timers.. there are many more Kryssmas Chronicles in the knapsack.  So stay tuned and stay vigilant!