First Timers

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

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Written by Northe   
Friday, 04 April 2008 00:38

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Female Boss absolutely flipped on Male Boss when he asked her a question about a store she was going to visit during lunch. If I remember this one correctly, a Plastic recommended Female Boss go drop a few hundred dollars on a t-shirt or something at some name brand shit stain downtown. Female Boss announces it to the office and rather than being met with her usual silence, Male Boss has something to say about it:

"You have been there before, remember? You told me."

Female Boss answers back, "I know."

The truth is she didn't know. It was one of those I know's that a pre-teen says when you give them something they've never heard of before but its their programmed response. You could tell the disappointment in Female Boss' voice when she answered too and kind of that realization that Male Boss was indeed correct.


Male Boss asks her, "So what did you get last time?"

Female Boss, about to put a stack of papers into a file folder, shoves the papers into the file full force, "Gee, that's a great question! What did you get last time? Huh!? What did YOU get!?"

That was called for.. and better yet it makes sense to react that way.. there is no other rational reaction.. ever..

Scenario #2: Female Boss ended up spending a good $40 on high end, "healthy" snacks to have here at the office. Examples, dried wasabi peas, these weird fancy bread stick things, these organic mini cake things with flax seeds baked into them.. weird shit like this. I found little to no interest in eating this stuff as nothing tasted that good to me. Whenever Female Boss offered me some, I would usually just refuse and say I brought my own snacks. Male Boss concurred with my analysis of these trial purchases and expressed his distaste for them in a much different way.

Male Boss got up from his permanent ass-groove dent on the sitting room couch and headed for the kitchen for a snacky snack. Being out of potato chips and bacon grease, Male Boss was forced to dine on the crap that Female Boss bought. Combining sheer boredom and the desire to get rid of the high budget allowance of flavorless munchies, Male Boss turns to his reliable tenants.

"Here you go. Take this one. No? You don't want?"

Female Boss' misbehavior radar picks up the signal and forces her to engage, "What are you doing in there?"

"The dogs don't like the shitty human treats you buyed."

"Why are you feeding my food to the dogs?"

"I can't. The shit you buyed, the dogs turn the back on." He tries again, "Come on, take it boy. Stupid shit. They don't like, Female Boss."

"Leave them alone please."

"How much you pay on this shit and they ain't eat it?"

"How about you leave the dogs alone and leave me alone. Just get the fuck outta here."

"Ok, I get the shit out of here."

I hear Male Boss rustling with the bags of goods. The front door opens and soft thuds are heard. The next sound I hear is Dunkirt snorting happily and the door slams shut. Female Boss bounces up from her desk.

"What the hell did you just do?"

"Got rid of the shits. The dogs don't eat but the pig will."

"You son of a bitch! You know how much that costs?"

"Where's your humor?"

"Gone! You have taken all my humor from me long ago."

"You ain't got none? You ain't got no humor?"

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"You ain't got no humor and you ain't got no snacks. Don't ever buy those shits again. The dogs turn the back and the pig doesn't know any better than this."

Not that I am much on either Boss' choice on snack food I'll go ahead and side with Male Boss on this one. At least every blue moon I'll crave a salty, empty calorie munchy to make me feel American over one of Female Boss' oddities. Bring back the artery clogging goodies!