First Timers

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Who shived you in the neck?

Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Monday, 18 February 2008 02:34

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Announcement: Before we get down to business I wanted you guys to notice the new link I put on the left: Angry Time Sandbox. This is where I, Northe, and several other Angry Timers go to spend a few hours while at work or whatever to get some much needed entertainment pumping thru our veins. Everyone needs a sandbox to play in, this just could become yours! The website is called Kongregate and there are tons of video games from logic, to action, to strategy, to just plain absurdity. The blooming Flash Gaming community uploads games that are rated by users etc etc. So due to the fact anyone can upload a game they designed in Flash some of the games are complete garbage and some are pretty fuckin good. Give it a go if you're interested.. a fun time is definitely had.. best yet its all FREE. If you enjoy the site enuff use the link to register and it will use me as a referral. Ok, enuff of that.. enjoy the latest travesty of the human condition.

The Latest: I was sitting there, minding my own business, waiting for the world to collapse on itself like a dying star when Female Boss breaks the silence by coming into the office. Ah, 11:05am.. right on time.. She carries The One in hand to her desk and starts to bitch about her workload. After about 30 minutes of laughing at her joke in-mails and not working she announces, "I'm gonna have to eat lunch here today, I can't afford to leave the office!"

Funny, cuz there's nothing crazy going on, we aren't slammed or anything.. its just that per her usual behavior she shows up a good hour before lunch, does nothing up until lunch, just like today, and apparently this is catching up to her. So, okay I'll buy it, I guess she is piled up with work, due to her own incompetence and unwillingness to get things done as they come down the line. Female Boss is usually the snag when it comes to the company dragnet to get paid. We need her to finish shit up, handle the reports she is responsible for to get our invoices out but she would rather sit on shit until the bolts are popping out of the boiler.. Male Boss is about the same, but thats another story.

Let's get things straight here, this is not to say that I am not a procrastinator, I would be willing to say that I could very well be the Dean of this School of Thought.. indeed, I am a firm believer in the immortal quote "Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." Were you studying the Angry Time gift idea section to your immediate right this quote would be a mere refresher course. It is this methodology that brought me to my realization of how to write papers in college and guarantee a high mark with little or no planning involved. All these fuckin professors want to hear is you parroting what they say, I took this stance and it always paid off. Waiting for the last day or two to write a 20 page paper based on notes and sheer memory always worked and, more so, the laziness always paid off. However, I am also smart enuff to realize that when you are in a business that pays on performance its in the company's and/or my best interest to get shit done as soon as possible giving us the ability to bill the client and collect a fuckin check. Female and Male Boss.. not so much.

Before I take this post in the opposite direction I want to go in, let me get back to the original idea. Female Boss is staying in the office to eat her lunch. The only pupperoni at the office today is The One who is comatose in her lap.. that is until Female Boss decided its time to eat. She takes out whatever the hell is required to fuel that high-powered brain of hers.. and whatever it is, The One thinks that its his. He bounces up from her lap and puts his front paws on the desk trying to hoist himself up to the prize.

"Hey, The One, I'm eating this ya'know!"

Hmm, complete thought communicated in a clear voice.. well enunciated.. I'm pretty sure that's proper sentence structure.. but a bit of slang in there.. yeah, that's probably why The One isn't obeying her command and now forcing himself thru both of her arms to get onto the desk..

Female Boss knocks the one off balance and back onto her lap with her elbow, "Mine!"

The One goes at it again, Female Boss ripostes, "This is mine! Mine!"

Still undeterred, The One gives it another go, "No! Mine! Noooooo, mine!"

Ah, the "No Command" that oughtta work.. being that The One is trained and all..

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, HEY!"

In frustration, Female Boss slams both palms of her hands on her desk. The One retreats to her lap in fear. Female Boss rushes to take a few bites of food from her plate before The One begins to slowly work his way back to his goal. At this point, Logic is holding a shiv to Female Boss' kidney and pleading with her to just set the stupid dog down on the ground to solve this problem.. but no threat, great nor small, would ever shine thru to Female Boss that would result in a show of marginal intelligence. Her underdeveloped brain fights tooth and nail to avoid coming to such a conclusion and knows that just with a bit more talking and elbowing The One will behave and submit to his Master's wishes.

Logic has exhausted himself. He glances over to see Female Boss sharing the second half of her lunch with The One and our dear friend Logic has now resorted to shoving thumb tacks into the roof of his own mouth as a desperate attempt to cope with what he has seen as he tries to rationalize the situation in his own mind. Now when I say share, I mean share.. The One is eating off of her plate as Female Boss picks at her plate around his head like the forks of two lovers dancing around a shared meal. Dysfunctional bliss.. somebody please knee cap me to erase the memories..