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First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

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Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Anger, Meet Your New Website PDF Print E-mail
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Written by Northe   
Thursday, 01 January 2009 21:42

First time?  Start here.  Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end.  Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

A Long Time Coming: First off, beans and disease to all of you and welcome to the new website.  The entire blog is not yet imported (we're talking about some 290 posts that I need to transfer over) so give me some time to get that done.  However, things are gonna change around here and with the help of you, my beloved Angry Timers.. indeed, you will make this site stronger with the new features I have in store for the future and I am really looking forward to see what can become of all this.  Just remember, is a work in progress, so be patient.  Feel free to send me suggestions/opinions etc on how I can make the site better.  Chances are you will be shunned but give it a shot anyway!  Cutting to the quick, my plan is to make the all-new a community dumping ground.  I hope you guys will participate with the ideas I have in mind for my brain child.. and if not, well, you'll still have my ridiculous tales of woe and suffering to read.  I'll explain more as the time comes and look forward to working with any and all of you that I deem worthy.  Thanks for coming out.  Now then, mount your fjord horse and ride with me onward to the dawn of the Angry Time Era!

The Story: In order to tie in this newfound sense of community I have just talked about this post covers a couple of my favorite work stories that I have heard in recent years.  It didn't happen in the closed off world of Angry Time unfortunately, but I deem it completely relevant and fit for consumption to all of my readers.  The first story, I could see happening quite vividly using that fucked up imagination of mine and it fills me with such contempt I guarantee that I would be able to wipe out the population of several city blocks before I was subdued.  The second story, as you will see, is something that I could never see happening, using that same fucked up mind of mine, which makes it all the more hilarious.  Here we go..

Sometimes I wish I worked for a big corporation solely for crazy things like these stories I am about to share but then I hear stuff like this and I just don't know if I could do it.. like having to go to another state for a company meeting for a few days.. let's explore this further..

You know what I'm talking about, where you are in a forced, everyone-pretend-to-give-a-fuck, smile-at-your-neighbor environment that undoubtedly reinvigorates the company's teamwork.. so I'm told!!  Throw in various rah-rah business buzzwords and slogans and you are where I want you to be.  Then, as if this corporate speak/idiot sandwich you find yourself in wasn't enuff, you find out that you will have planned meals with your drooling co-workers and late night watering hole sessions with said troglodytes that will ensure that portions of your brain spills out your nose before the end of the trip.. oh, and don't forget.. the big company, hush-hush, sooper sekret "Surprise" that is intended to really get you fired up about being with this fantastic gathering of denture-clad, sweaty palm'd, rank and file riffraff.

You cubicle types know the kind of seminars, right?  They take you out to the beach on a nice day.. you're thinking its gonna be a day of relaxation but NO! Reality comes crashing into your chest like the fist of a Shaolin Master and before you know it you're lined up on the sand waiting to shake hands with two eccentric clods that have been recognized by some warped thinking sect of one-percenters as: Professional Sand Castle Builders!  What the fuck does that even mean and why the fuck would you even boast that title!?  Seriously, what the fuck?  Do these idiots have business cards stating this less than impressive decree?  Does anyone, besides your wriggling boss and Eggers from accounting of course, find these misfits capable of buying up any real estate in the vicinity of interesting!?  ANYONE!?

Don't look now, cuz guess what, you have the privilege, nay honor, to spend the day in pre-picked teams to make your time as miserable as possible.  The dignity of a school yard pick is thrown to the wind like the sail boats you wish you were on bcuz 98% of your co-workers would lose a thumb war to a three year old, let alone a popularity contest that was dependent on any show of motor skills or creative thought.  Why put them through that sort of humiliation when this Russian Roulette style of death would be so much more "fair" to watery eyed fools.

So why exactly are you on the beach and divided into teams?  What the hell is your objective?  Why its to win the favor of these two nobodies that were hired by the higher ups in your company, of course!  In the name of Teamwork, for crying out loud!  What could be more important!?  C'mon, get excited!  You're building bridges here! Yeah, bridges.. bridges built with beach sand.. bridges built with beach sand that will be washed away minutes after the tide rolls in just like your worthless creation based on Castle Greyskull that awakened some homoerotic fantasy you have had with He-Man and morphed to the other fantasy you had about some wild-haired character from ThunderCats (wow, you're pretty gross).  To make things worse, your idea didn't turn out anything like you thought they would cuz A) your best feat of engineering prowess at the beach was either burying your buddy up to his neck during your high school years or constructing a wall to "block" the waves and B) the last time you worked with any tool made for working with beach sand you were wearing a swimming suit with a starfish on the fanny while carrying around plastic pail and shovel that looked like a fucking spatula!  Oh, I bet it makes you so happy that your bosses saw it fit for you to perform manual labor in a field (does sand castle building even qualify as a field?) that is not only irrelevant to anything that you do on a day to day basis for your piece of shit company but also for making you feel so determined to accomplish something spectacular within the allotted time that it only made you look like a bigger idiot when your vision crumbles under its own weight!  You knew that shoddy foundation wasn't going to be enuff to withstand your monument's magnificence but you soldiered on like a good worker bee didn't you!?  How could you have been so stupid!?

Oh well, wipe that sand off your hands onto your designer slacks cuz its time for your forced meal with your co-workers!  Nothing could go wrong in a gathering like this, right?  I mean, departments having a chance to co-mingle with other people from the office that during any given day would sooner shank each other in the neck due to the fact that they are constantly slowing one another down and resulting in your company's revenues to slide every month!  Yeah, that's a splendid idea!  Put me in the same restaurant, fuck it, at the same table with these clowns and we'll introduce an X factor to really make things interesting.. I got it!  Alcohol!  So as you knock back drink after drink on the company dime while you keep serving up that bullshit smile to the one guy every office has, the guy who drinks too much and thinks that being inappropriate is the best way to distinguish himself from the other lemmings.  Yeah, he's a real class act.. someone that you will respect after his admirable showing and is likely one of your superiors.  Great idea.  Let's roll with this.  It's the best thing that a company could do to increase the morale of the workforce! Alright, enuff of that, now that I've nudged you in the right direction.. onto story number 2: The Company BBQ!

All I know is when I one day control the financial stability of hundreds of lives this is how I want to conduct myself.  First off, I'd start the buzz around the plant on Monday about a big company barbecue on Friday.  What better way to make sure you not only have 100% worker attendance but why not include families too?  Hmm, one sec, this bbq can't be just about food and fun.. there's got to be another incentive to ensure a perfect showing.. I got it, a company-wide raffle!  Throw in some decent prizes and you have the perfect storm brewing.

By the time Friday rolls around everyone is geeked to sauce up their fingers and have a few beers courtesy of the old boss man.  From my throne I'd wait till it looked like everyone was getting comfortable and settled in before the grand reveal.. the diabolical plan that separates the wolves from the sheep.. the forward thinking that puts that sick smile on the enraged and keeps the lessers so fearful they have to think twice before attempting to outwit their doorknob to go outside.

I'd rise from my throne to a thunderous applause and settle the peons down with a simple hand gesture and survey the field of casualties, er, employees.  At which time I'd boast about the items on the menu, plentiful bbq fare with all the fixins. After being bathed with the oooh's and aaah's I'd remind everyone to be sure and pick up a raffle ticket from the appropriate booth or kiosk set up in front of a mountain of prizes.  My closing statement would be the true intent of such generosity.. one that strikes so swiftly that the clamor that builds from the audience would be of disbelief and continue to rise as they turn to one another making sure you heard the boss man correctly.  It'd go something like this...

"..and at the end of the day, we'll be handing out pink slips to a percentage of you.  Enjoy the barbecue!"

Gah, why even try and bring the drama to such a scene when I can just copy and paste this opus of genius in its purest, encapculated simplicity as told to me by the one that actually witnessed this first hand:

[16:00] Liquorsnatch69: those bbqs were the best.  here's your lunch, here's your raffle ticket, oh yea, here's your last check

Brings a tear to the ol' eye socket.