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Written by Northe   
Wednesday, 03 August 2005 00:00
The One is particularly attached to Female Boss. By attached I mean anchored with incorruptible fanaticism. When The One is two feet away from her, he yelps. When she is across the office or anything further from his sight he yelps and cries riotously. I have called up many friends to listen to this and they all have the same dumbfounded reaction. Its nuts.

So, a couple weeks back Female Boss goes out of town for the weekend with her brother who is in town. This is strange cuz she never ever leaves The One for an extended period of time and especially not at the investment property. Maybe she needed a break from his irrational neediness.. the best part is The One's super-intelligence shines through and absolutely knows something is up. He starts freaking out as if he can understand Female Boss' itinerary and that he is having no part in the weekend ahead.

So its the usual run of the mill dogs going crazy and The One is the ring leader. Demonseed chimes in with squawks and all of a sudden the office is a zoo. Good thing I have a sick sense of humor when it comes to pain and suffering, especially while at work, I was laughing so hard but I couldn't even hear my own laughter. Literally, that's how loud it gets in there with the dogs and the bird at a full fevered pitch.

That was Friday at about 2pm. Everything settles down for the rest of the pets but The One is whimpering non stop. Typical, no big deal. Happens all the time.  Male Boss leaves him in the kitchen isolated as to keep his disturbing the other animals to a minimum.  Male Boss apparently promised to stay at the investment property over the weekend taking care of all the animals as well.  Whether or not he actually stayed all weekend I don't know but what I came into on Monday suggested otherwise.

Monday morning I get in about 30 minutes early cuz we are pretty busy here and I don't want to be swamped. I walk into the house.. the kitchen is right near the entrance. Male Boss is on his hands and knees cleaning up blood and shit from the kitchen floor.. that's right I said blood and shit. Wonder who made that mess..

"Fucking dog! I'm gonna kill you!" yells Male Boss.

I just walk by recognizing the fact that he's hating life and there is no need for me to inflame the situation.

Female Boss comes back that evening. With a huge grin I tell her the dogs were just fine while I was here. Friday comes and she is *again* leaving for the weekend with her brother. You guys don't understand, this is completely out of character for her.  She never up and leaves, especially two weekends in a row.  A total first for Female Boss.

Friday around 2pm Male Boss is not in the office. Female Boss is freaking out cuz The One knows she is leaving! Literally knows! He was going bananas all day while she was shuttling things into her car.. he is smart as hell I suppose. Anyway, she is now holding The One and he is wriggling, shaking and just writhing all around while crying.  Its so funny but I try not to even crack a smile, I have to be serious.

Female Boss turns to me and says, "I'll give you $XXX.XX if you can please hold him and take care of him while you're still at work."

I wholeheartedly agree because, by the way, ALL the dogs love me. I go to grab him, the dog bears his teeth and growls. Female Boss lurches back astonished. I kinda laugh cuz The One is the size of my foot and, well, an all around joke of a threat. I tell Female Boss to put him down on the chair. Female Boss does and I pick up The One hassle free.

Female Boss then goes to the back of the house and grabs her carrying bag for him and hands it to me. I sling it over my shoulder and lower the sadass into the pouch.

"Yeah, I'm just really worried. Last weekend I think he gave himself colitis. Male Boss said there was blood and shit everywhere each morning."

I act shocked and concerned assuring her that in my care he is in the best of hands. She leaves for the weekend again. I'm slightly richer.  Self-induced colitis!