First Timers

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Who shived you in the neck?

Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
View my complete profile here.

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Written by Northe   
Friday, 05 August 2005 00:00

Now that I have some posts up here I am going to begin every post with this disclaimer as newcomers will probably make no sense of anything going on from day to day unless they start from the beginning.

First time?  Start here.

On with the tale:

Let's take it back to Female Boss for a Friday post.  This had to have been at the beginning of summer.  My calf was killing me one day and Female Boss was thrilled to hear that I was in agony.  Maybe not so much that I was in agony, but more so that she would get a chance to whip out this little miracle she purchased from the internet and see it in action.

So Female Boss brings in this package and guts it like a fish.  Apparently she was saving it for a special occasion.. and what came out might as well have been innards.  She hands me a black plastic contraption that weighed about 8 oz.  I take a look at it, turn it upside down to expose its soft supple underbelly and see about 5 dozen lights that take me back to my childhood and Lite Brite.

The What: The magical, fantastical and practical means of all those out of date Lite Brites and Christmas tree lights we grew up with.  Oh did I mention healing therapy?  No?  Oh well.
The When: Whenever you have insane pain just use this device and it cures all.
The Where: Anywhere you feel pain silly, they're lights for crying out loud.  Lights!
The Why: Because nothing makes more logical sense than healing wounds, bruises, arthritis and cancer than with pulsing lights.  Modern medicine is for the birds, you idiots.
The Who: Yours frikkin truly, that's who.

Now either you're furrowing your brow trying to comprehend the situation or you have seen the Infomercial on this and thinking to yourself, "I can't believe people bought that piece of shit."  Maybe both.  The point is, I am elected official guinea pig.  The worst part is I probably saw that Infomercial a good three months prior to this episode and just couldn't believe it.  Awestruck is probably the best word to use here.

Female Boss explains to me what she saw in the Infomercial and recaps all the horseshit stories, bad actors and bullshit therapists that plug the device.  I mean you have a scenario (if you scroll down on that link and see the kid with it pointed at his knee) where this kid had knee surgery and the doctor used this mini, hand held Lite Brite to rehab him.  Now is it just me or would you not bludgeon the doc bloody if he tried to make you pay for this kind of rehab on your kid?

Update 2009: The original post was was written in 2005, transferring the data over from my old blog I found out that the link I used before is no longer valid so I replaced it with the one you see now.  Unfortunately, you don't get to see what I am talking about anymore.. don't try to imagine anything cuz it was far more pathetic than anything you can dream up, trust me.

Anyway, this piece of ingenuity comes with a velcro strap so I could just latch it around my leg and let the light do the work.  The funniest shit is that there is a dial on this thing that has like 10 different settings from Low, Med, High and for those hernia days, Full Cycle.  For credibility I am sure, all hi-tech devices have nobs so the user has that feeling of control.  Well I was feeling pretty volcanic so Full Cycle was my only option, right?

While in my fit of rage, insulted by what Female Boss brought forth to numb the pain,  I decided to plot and conspire.  This being the typical result of any ruse perpetrated on my asshole self.

So I start saying, "Wow, this thing is amazing.  Its really working.  I can feel my muscle heating up."

Female Boss' eyes light up (pa-rumph), "Really?  Wow, I knew it would.  That Infomercial really had me hooked from the start."

"Oh yeah, in about an hour I should be good to run tonight."

"That's incredible.  And you know what it only cost me $200," she says.

"Unbelievable," I say, feeling more like saying "Un-fuckin-real, lady."

Seriously, I couldn't feel a damn thing.  Not warmth, not anything.  I mean its mini light bulbs!  What the hell would possess anyone to take the Infomercial seriously for one minute let alone to watch the entire thing, see the price and consider it a bargain, pick up the phone, deal with some dude in India with a fake Southern accent and give your credit card information over the phone to wait another six weeks for this thing to show up at your house?  Female Boss is who.  Fuck!  Fuckin Fuck!

Now the story didn't end that day.  The story ended about a month and a half later when Female Boss pulled her shoulder playing racquetball.  She rushed home from the gym and strapped on the LFT 9000.  The next day she was so irate that the product didn't work.  She spouted for an hour about how she needed that pain to go away and it just wouldn't.  I stuck to my guns though, couldn't stop reflecting on that incredible day that it soothed my calf muscle to feeling brand new.  The more I talked it up the angrier she became.  I'll probably bring the story up to her for old times' sake next time she pisses me off.

If you don't appreciate this story you really need to see the Infomercial, at minimum just read a bit on that link.