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Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Tuesday, 09 August 2005 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. 

This one is a daisy, friends. It happened last winter and I just hope I can illustrate it well enough to put you in the position of feeling as annoyed and frustrated with the idiocy that is going on in here.

Day 1, around 1pm:
Female Boss goes to the living room and sparks up a fire in their enormous fireplace.  The thing is like 5x8 its pretty impressive.  Now let's get things straight: a) the living room is on the other side of the investment property, b) no one is staying in that area of the house right now and c) its really not that cold. Somewhere in the jumble we call work, I can only deduce that some embers let fly and lit a curtain on fire.  Female Boss comes running down the hallway screaming about it and I go to extinguish the fire. Anyway, wasn't that big of a deal smoke was pretty thick but I grabbed the proper equipment and all was well shortly.

Now, for the next few hours nothing else was said.  I didn't leave work till approximately 7pm and Female Boss hadn't mentioned a thing.  Day 1 ends.

Day 2, 11:30am: For the past 2 hours Female Boss has been going bananas. She has made phone calls to Four Friends, Male Boss who has been sick at home, a Maid Service, her Best Friend and another person I will reveal later.

First Four Friends get the same rundown about how TERRIBLE the smoke is. I am talking the most blustery, windy speaking you can fathom as if you had just run a marathon. Doom and gloom in your pants and you can't catch your breath type of insanity. The best part of these conversations was the constantly repeated question, "How do you get smoke smell out?"

Every single one of them answered, "Febreeze." Every single one. Hilarious! Why?

"I can't stand the smell of Febreeze," protests Female Boss.

Then she goes on to say that she wants to call the Fire Dept to find out what takes the smoke smell out when everyone has already told her what does. My favorite part of the Four Friends conversations was the last one, this one lady that is pretty damn crass. When Female Boss hung up the phone I caught her muttering to herself (classic!), "She thinks I'm crazy too.."

The next phone call goes to sickly Male Boss. After the initial start up of what happened she wants to (revealing the last person she calls now) call her fucking Homeowner's Insurance company and make a claim! Male Boss causes her to revert to nothing but cussing him out and promptly hanging up on him. I guess he thinks she's crazy too.....

Call goes into Maid Service. "I need help to come today," Female Boss starts.

"Oh, no extra time for today on late notice? Shoot, well do you know what takes out a very strong smoke smell?" the conversation continues.

"Oh. Oh. Uh huh. Oh. I hate Febreeze," the conversation closes.

Female Boss phones Best Friend.

"Hello Best Friend?" Female Boss says in some sort of shoddy British accent.

Yes she speaks in that accent about 95% of the time with her Best Friend. I have no fucking clue why but its the most annoying shit ever.  Its not good, its not accurate and its absolutely childish.

"Do you know how I can get rid of that smoke smell?" in her New Jerseyite accent this time. I guess cuz she's serious now and wants a solution.. no time for kiddy accents!  Why is she continuing to ask?  Well, come on.. up to this point she hasn't been given or heard any advice or solutions yet.. apparently.

With that shot down tone in her voice, Female Boss sighs and says, "Everyone keeps saying that, I hate Febreeze."

Female Boss persists, "Well I was hoping you knew how to get rid of the smell cuz you know everything."

Do I need to berate again or can you handle it on your own?

Now comes the insane call to the Homeowner's Insurance Rep. I will spare you the details and all the blustery windy speak of the seemingly sullied Female Boss. All in all the Rep made fun of her on several occasions bcuz Female Boss kept saying, "No I am serious, I don't know what to do." Followed by, "So I have no claim?"

This was said at least four times that I can remember. She then starts to boast about wanting to call the Fire Dept. "Well I need to know what to do. I am so clueless right now."

Sigh, too easy.

After a 15 minute jokefest the Rep forces her off the phone revealed by Female Boss saying, "Lunchtime? Oh that's right you guys are an hour ahead of us."

Female Boss puts her head in her hands and lets out another long winded sigh. Now mind you, you CANNOT smell ANYTHING unless you are IN the living room where no one is! Yeah, it smells like smoke but its seriously nothing that bad. I am sad to report that Female Boss never did call the Fire Dept, which I desperately wanted her to so they can tell her to use Febreeze, but this is an imperfect world and I digress. Shortly after her sigh, the hysteria snowballs and she becomes spastic.

"I don't know what to do? These people offer me no help. What do I do? Maybe I will get some carpet cleaner or something. Should I? I think I should. I am completely exhausted. I don't know what the hell I should do. I didn't sleep as good as I thought cuz of that smell. Its like it was in my clothes!  Don't you think? Northe?" Literally, she might have taken two breaths.

"Huh," I say to show her no one fucking cares. It worked cuz she didn't ask me again.

Now lets analyze this statement.  This coming from someone that when I first got here in the morning was telling me about how fabulous her evening was and how she is so happy the weather is warming up again, on and on. Then something snapped and the day was reduced to this.

This concludes today's lesson: Smoke damage and its effect on the human brain.