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First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

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Written by Northe   
Tuesday, 06 September 2005 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Wow.  That's all I can say right now.  Wow.  The next couple weeks are going to be awesome.  When I was leaving work last night I heard Female Boss speaking to what I thought was a friend of hers and that he was going to be staying here, at the investment property, for a little while.  There is always good times ahead because adding an unknown flammable liquid to an already volatile molotov cocktail makes for unexpected results; similar to the norm but compounding that unknown sense of instability.  Being here a mere 30 minutes thus far today, I bumped into a grand piece of information and a foreshadowing to how great it will be to have this visitor here at the office.

As usual, I am getting a bit ahead of myself.  Turns out this person is not on his way, in fact, he showed up last night and I am greeted by him when I am coming into the house.  Female Boss is in the kitchen pretending that she cooks.  She never does.  She couldn't make a sandwich.  Instead of heading for the office I poke around in the kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water.  I spy a pile of gray, yes gray, eggs in a frying pan sitting in about a quarter inch of oil.  I take it that is breakfast, poor fellow didn't know what he got himself into.  I wonder what he will do for breakfast tomorrow.. or later on today for that matter..

Female Boss introduces me to the visitor.  Turns out he is a priest.  This was probably the best news I have heard in months.  I offer a huge smile and a firm handshake.  Priest is more than happy to meet my acquaintance as he has heard "such good things" about me.  Just as I finish shaking his hand Female Boss drops down his plate of revulsion aka breakfast.  I am sure his free spirited happiness will be sapped soon enough.  Starting off with that coagulated diarrhea thinly veiled as scrambled eggs might even make Nic Cage squeamish.  I leave the scene without wiping the grin off my face, I'm almost giddy.

As if on queue, Male Boss comes walking in from the front door.

"Good morning Female Boss," he sings.

"Oh god," she comments.  "Oh excuse me," she follows up in the presence of Priest.

"Good morning Father. I see that Female Boss makes you the breakfast.  She is a very good cook.  Where is mine?"

"I didn't make you any."

"How dare you!" shouts Male Boss.

I hear some rustling in the silverware drawer.  Being blind to the scene its almost as if the yells from the kitchen painted the picture of exactly what was beginning to transpire.

"What the hell are you doing?" cries Female Boss.

"Shut the fuck up, I am hungry, I just want a taste," fires back Male Boss.

"Oh," I hear Priest say with a startled tone.

"Holy shit, who the fuck do you think you are!?" screams Female Boss.

"The Priest doesn't mind, you gave him a pile of eggs and they taste like shit anyway," says Male Boss.  Followed by a sound of a paper towel being ripped at the perforation and Male Boss' muffled gag.  Absolute perfection doesn't nearly describe this morning well enough.

So Male Boss not only incites anger to the point of screaming at just past 8am but manages to gaffle Priest for a fork-full of his eggs.  The eggs are horrid and he gags them into a wadded up paper towel in front of everyone!  Someone from above is shining on Angry Time.  This is gonna be a great month.