First Timers

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Who shived you in the neck?

Blogger Profile: The name's Northe.
Been blogging since: September 2004.
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Written by Northe   
Wednesday, 14 September 2005 00:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. 

These are the reasons I love working here.  I knew this clown would pay off bigtime for the blog.  Oh and by the way, by no genius of my own, I have decided to start calling Priest, Padre.  Shall we?

I get into work and I see Padre walking around in circles in the backyard for some morning exercise, I imagine.  Its nothing special, a 20x60 lawn where logically the dogs could stay but don't.  That's neither here nor there.  So he's outside with The One, Pigfoot and Puppy.  As I walk through the house I notice Padre has stopped walking around and I can hear him muffled through the sliding glass door making some sort of attempt to communicate with those of us within.  Knowing better than to diffuse the situation myself I walk on by and observe from the quiet of the office. Plus Male Boss is sitting there not giving a shit either.

Seconds after I sit down, I hear Padre let out a muffled yell.  It sounds like "Help" but I can't even think back to it as my mind is doing its best controlling my body from hurling itself off the chair and laughing out loud.  Male Boss gets up from his couch and heeds the call of Padre.

"What the fuck!?" says Male Boss heading towards the sliding glass door.

"What the fuck, Puppy is raping you Padre?" he asks thru the sliding glass door.

Sidebar:  Male Boss uses the word "rape" to describe any instance of what most people would recognize as bothering.

I lean back in my seat to get a better view.  Male Boss tries to open the sliding glass door.  No dice.  Male Boss starts jerking the door forcefully.  What has happened is the sliding glass door has locked itself, its an old door and tends to do that when closed with force.  Padre must have done this upon his exit.

Male Boss, rather than unlocking the door starts to panic, "Fuck!  Female Boss, the glasses is shut!  Help! Padre is being raped!"

I can't remember if I started laughing at this point or if what happened next caused me to lose it.

Female Boss comes rushing in, "For Christ's sake Male Boss, stop using your degenerate language around Padre.  Have you lost your mind?"

Ignoring the fact that the door needs to be unlocked, Male Boss continues, "The fucking Puppy! Stupid whore is raping him, get her the fuck outta there!"  

Both Male Boss and Female Boss are standing there doing absolutely nothing for what seems like an eternity.  The sliding glass door is still closed and locked.  Neither have tried to open it still.

"Padre! Kick her in the nose, get her the fuck off!  Get her out!" screams Male Boss thru the sliding glass door.

I hear Padre scream muffled again, "Help!"  

Around this time my supply of air is dangerously low in my body as I can no longer take in breaths, only expel carbon dioxide in the form of howling laughter.  Tears are streaming down my face.  Finally, I hear the sliding door click unlocked and open.

"You whore! You son of a bitch, mother fucker! Get the fuck off of him!" yells Male Boss as he runs outside to chase Puppy away from Padre.

"Jesus Christ would you get the hell outta here.. god damn it, you idiot!" screams Female Boss at Male Boss.

"What the fuck?  Stupid fucking dog and you yell on me!?"

"Shut the fuck up and get Padre some ice for his finger."

Turns out Puppy clamped on ol' Padre's finger, per the norm, and let loose a little blood.  Once things cool down and Padre's heartbeat is regulated he explains his plight from the safety of the kitchen.

"Well once Puppy latched on to my finger, Pigfoot and The One kept jumping on her back and I couldn't shake her free at all.  I didn't know what to do so I called for help."

As if this wasn't good enough to end the story, Male Boss interjects with, "Your dogs have a problem Female Boss, Pigfoot and The One are sodomites and I can't take it anymore!"

Such language and disregard for all that is holy.. all in front of the Padre.  Its awesome.